Bébé Maybe

For years now, I've prayed to hear comforting words pertaining to not being able to have children when I listen to General Conference. That's something our church asks us to do- pray about receiving inspiration when we listen. The big gross 'i' word is something that consumes so much of my headspace that sometimes I wonder if other parts of my spirituality suffer when this is all I think about. Oh well. Anyways, here are some quotes from a talk that made me hopeful. Added coolness is that we met Elder Alvarado last spring and really liked him. "No matter the obstacles we face in life, we can trust that Jesus Christ will prepare a way forward as we walk with faith.  God has promised that all who live according to the covenants they have made with Him will, in His time, receive all His promised blessings.  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught, “Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the g...

Last week it finally felt like we took a few steps forward. They weren't big steps, but they were steps, so I'm thrilled about that. David saw another specialist, who had a few ideas to try and if those don't work,  a few more invasive treatment options that could. He still has to see another specialist, and start taking a medication. I'm also going to start taking a thyroid medication. Apparently my levels are within normal range but aren't ideal for pregnancy. So who knows if it could be affecting anything. Our doctor brought up the big "IVF" word for the first time. Pretty scary, but I feel good that we are trying things and getting help and that there are backup plans in place. In other good news, I pretty much made it through a family reunion without anyone asking nosy questions about when we're going to have kids.  I only got one question that even verged on asking about it, so I just lied. All in all way better than I expected!

Or...lack thereof. Today is a happy day. My incredibly stressful job is over. I SURVIVED. I thought more than once that I couldn't handle it. I fantasized about quitting. But in the end, I did it. I didn't do a perfect job, but the school year ended with most of the kids liking me and knowing more French than they did back in September. I count that as a win. So, happiness in one area of my life aside... I haven't been feeling very hopeful lately. I have tried praying so many times. I would love to be told what to do or where to turn. I would love even more to have a gut feeling that everything will be ok and that it will happen someday. Mostly, when I pray about having children and ask for help and guidance- I feel no inspiration. There have been times (few and far between) when I felt comforted that it will work out. Mostly, though, I feel nothing. Not bad, not good, just nothing. That makes me wonder if the good feelings I've had maybe 2-3 times while praying ...

There are 12 days and counting until I enter a new decade. We started trying to have kids when I was 27. Now I will be 30 with absolutely 0 progress made in that department. For my entire life, I envisioned having my first child while I was in my 20s. Obviously I've known that wasn't going to happen for months now, but I was so hoping to at least be pregnant before I turned 30. That made getting my period a little bit harder this month. I will now officially never be pregnant while I am in my 20s. The timing also means that we will officially not have a child in 2019- which was our only wish for this year. At this point, should I even dare to hope that I could be pregnant in 2019? We are still waiting to finish our testing and are struggling with some of David's testing. It's very frustrating for both of us, and we wish we were getting more support from the doctor. We wish we could get this over with. We wish this wasn't hard when it's not hard for any...

I saw it was National Infertility Awareness Week. I for one wish I wasn't aware of infertility. Some people post a lot of details online about their struggles. I don't want anyone to know our personal business. I don't want their pity.  But part of me wishes I could post this: "We have been trying for over 2 years. It sucks. It hurts. Every month it's hard. I'm sad. Don't ask us when we're having kids." Mic drop. End of message. In other non-news, nothing has changed for us. It's hard to feel like it ever will.

"God always answers prayers, but sometimes the answer is no." Or not yet. Or not in that way. When I was 24, I thought about wanting to get married for the first time. I had just decided to attend graduate school in Israel the next year, where I knew I wouldn't date (I mean, the IDF uniforms are hot, but I did plan on marrying a Mormon...). So I prayed about wanting to find someone to marry. It was a pour-my-heart-out kind of prayer. I met David 3 days later. Boom, easy answer to my prayer. Well, it did take a while to date and fall in love and such- but still. He is a wonderful, interesting, and loving person and we complement each other in a lot of ways. It was a small miracle to find someone compatible with unique (cough weird cough) little me in a country with so few members of our church. When I was 19, I auditioned to be a dance major in college. I was so nervous that I was nauseous and could hardly eat the week before. I prayed so intensely about the upc...

There have been some ups in the last few months. Unfortunately, there have probably been more downs. I crossed the hurdle of FINALLY making an appointment with a fertility specialist. It was scary and emotional. Scheduling the appointment made it seem so real that we actually have a problem and we're not normal. I did feel happiness and relief that I found a doctor that looked good online and that I was brave enough to make the appointment. I also cried after making the appointment because it felt like admitting something was wrong. A few months later, I put on a brave face and went to the consultation alone. David couldn't get off work. It was fine because in some ways it would have been more stressful. I would have to explain things (he hasn't done a crazy amount of research like I have) and comfort him if he was stressed. Better to have just one stress-ball. The doctor and her staff were very kind and reassuring. I only shed a couple of tears (I was so close to ...