Bébé Maybe

Transfer #5 has come and gone. I really thought it would work. I'm still in disbelief. I thought I'd be holding my third little girl this summer. I don't know if the embryo was male or female.. it was just a hunch. We had her name picked out. We've been joking for months things like "Next year little XXXX will be here with us too at the pumpkin patch!", etc. We planned our whole year around this and it's so hard to think about those plans changing. I know logically that this wasn't a guarantee. It was about a 50% chance. Of course, it was literally the first time I went into a transfer completely optimistic. We both felt like it would work. Clearly that was stupid. I don't want to think about doing this again at the moment, but we have one embryo left. We're so lucky to have what we have, but I really hope we're not done.

 They told us at the hospital that my water had broken and there were only 1 in a million odds that he would be okay. I was only 21 weeks and 2 days.  Every doctor we talked to thought that my body was starting to go into labor and told us that he would most likely be born alive but die soon afterwards. They do not attempt resuscitation until after 22 weeks. What horrified me the most (besides the loss of my beloved child, obviously) was the prospect of watching him die. Would we have to watch him gasp for air? Would he be in pain? The entire situation was awful, but that seemed like too much to handle. I had never prayed so hard in my life, begging for his survival. But I had a strong feeling that he wasn't going to make it. So I changed my prayers. On the way home from the hospital, I started praying that if he was going to pass away, that it could be peaceful, we wouldn't have to witness it, that the situation would be over with as quickly as possible. I kid you not, I...