Bébé Maybe

I am extremely thankful that this pregnancy has been very uneventful up until the third trimester. After the years of infertility and loss leading up to this point, my coping skills were just not not strong enough to deal with much else. Unfortunately, there's been a bit of excitement and a few hospital visits over the last few weeks. The good news is that little Magnolia has had no issues and was not bothered at all by anything going on. I got up to pee at 4am (as one does in the third trimester) on Sunday December 5th. I was 32.5 weeks pregnant. And I saw bright red blood... which is very scary to see when you're pregnant. I woke up David and we went straight over to the ER after getting dressed. By 4:30am I was hooked up to monitors checking on both me and baby. I was extremely relieved to hear her heartbeat <3.  I was extremely stressed and had very high blood pressure. I couldn't feel them, but according to the monitor I was also having contractions every 3-4 minute...

I love names, and I've had a name list for years... long before I got married. :)  The list has of course changed over time, but during our years of infertility we had a lot of time to think and had some girl names we were pretty set on. We have boy names we like too, but for some reason they've always been harder. We didn't find out that Christian was a boy until the 20 week ultrasound, so we had been debating both girl and boy names for him for months. Getting pregnant with this baby just 3 months after our devastating loss made me want a fresh start. So although there are names we've loved, carefully considered and debated for years... it felt right to choose a name that we never considered for our first baby. One of the first bright spots/glimpses of hope for the future I felt was on our trip to the south in March. Magnolia Plantation (just outside of Charleston, South Carolina) was one of the most beautiful places we had ever visited.  I remember sitting on a bench...

It has been such a long road to get here. When this baby is born, it will be right around the 5 year mark of trying to have children. We were 24 and 27 when we started trying and will be 29 and 32 when we {hopefully} finally get to bring a child home.  So much waiting and heartbreak, so many tears and needles. 276 needles, to be exact (that's the amount of shots it took in the last year to get to this point).  'Rainbow baby' is a term for a baby born after a loss, which inspired this little art project made with some of said needles. I filled up all of these sharps containers in 1 year! This baby's story actually started in July of 2020. We ended up with 3 precious embryos from our first round of IVF, and this baby was one of them!  Our extra embryos are all frozen until we're able to transfer them and hope and pray that they stick around. It's kind of cool to think about how this baby was already created and waiting since last year. <3 We knew immediately af...

Last February, my water broke at 21 weeks and 1 day. I found out our son was dead at 21 weeks and 2 days. I gave birth to him at 21 weeks and 3 days. Today, I am 21 weeks and 4 days pregnant with our daughter. It should go without saying that it's been kind of an emotional and stressful week. On Thursday, at 21 weeks and 1 day, I felt so much anxiety every time I went to the bathroom (that's where my water broke).  I still check for blood every single time I go to the bathroom. I still worry with every tiny twinge or feeling in my stomach, trying to work out if it's similar to the pressure feeling I had before my water broke. It's a lot emotionally. I'm barely past that point, but I'm relieved and happy to be past it. It comforts me to know that within days (at 22 weeks), my daughter would at least have a chance at survival and if there were to be any kind of complications they could hospitalize me to give more care. Before 22 weeks, they're not willing to h...

Friday was a big day, and we're very thankful for how it went! First of all, at 19 weeks I am at least halfway to the finish line.  For various medical reasons my doctors don't want me to go past 38 weeks... so the latest this baby will be here is January 5th!!! Of course, with a history of preterm labor there's a chance it could be earlier... which I am fine with as long as it's at a safe time for the baby of course. We had the big anatomy scan last week and David was able to get off work early and come with me. It amazes me how detailed this scan is. Even though the baby is about the size of a banana, they can zoom in and see so much. They went through the whole body and looked at and measured the brain, heart, arms, legs, fingers, toes, stomach, liver, kidneys, and more. I felt more and more relief as they went through each body part and everything looked normal.  At our "for fun" non-medical ultrasound a month ago, we found out she's a girl. And this u...

I'm feeling kind of grumpy and annoyed that this has to be my life.  I know in so many ways I'm lucky, but at the moment certain things are just weighing very heavily. This summer 3 of my cousins had babies within {less than} 2 months of my dead son's due date. Why do they get to be happy? Why not me, when I have gone through so much more? While rationally I know it's not connected to me or my life,  emotionally it feels like I'm getting kicked over and over again while I'm down. Even though I assume I'll have a living baby someday (I am thankfully pregnant again, after all)... why am I the one who has to wait? It's hard to watch other people be happy and to see people who love me celebrate something that brings back my depression. Sitting here in my little black hole all alone, I can't comprehend how other people get to move on with life and have joy while my son is dead. It makes me feel like my baby is forgotten. It should be my parents that get t...

Ahhhh... I'm pretty sure we know the gender!!!! Now that the baby is big enough, I don't get an ultrasound at every appointment. They just do a heartbeat check with the doppler. I realized that would mean a 6 week gap with no ultrasounds, and I didn't like the sound of that. So I found an elective, non-medical ultrasound place. We paid for a package for 2 ultrasounds- 1 after 14 weeks where they try to find out the gender, and 1 after 25 weeks, where they can get cute 3-D pictures. Yesterday I was 15 weeks and 3 days. It looks like the baby is close to being 6 inches long already. At first it looked we wouldn't be able to find out, because I guess our baby is modest and had their legs crossed and the cord inconveniently placed. The ultrasound tech had me drink some cold water, get up and move around, and cough. It took 3 rounds of doing that for the baby to get in the correct position. It looked like she got a clear view and she was pretty confident. I'm 99% sure th...

Two days ago I had my cerclage surgery. I'm so so happy it's over with!!! It wasn't easy to walk through those doors. I had to go to the same hospital where I found out that Christian died and gave birth to him. It's been a little over 5 months since those awful days, but every detail is extremely fresh in my memory. For months I had daily flashbacks and nightmares about every tiny detail of that experience. It got much better since starting the IVF process again, which gave me some hope and something else to focus on.  IVF working, being pregnant again, and getting our puppy have all my mental state as well. But I do still relive those moments. Maybe weekly instead of multiple times a day/ for hours while I'm trying to sleep... but it's still not easy. That said, I was pretty nervous about having to go back. Even worse, my procedure was in the Labor and Delivery area.  I understand that's where these doctors work, but it seems pretty cruel to make anyone ge...

I'm lucky to have had ultrasounds at least every 2 weeks, but those 2 weeks definitely feel forever long! The day of the ultrasound I feel immense relief, and then pretty carefree for a few days. Then the doubt starts to creep in and and I start to feel gradually more and more stressed until my next appointment. I'm guessing that's pretty common for anyone who's had an "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat" ultrasound. Thankfully, today is a day of immense relief. I had my 12 week ultrasound today and it went really well. It's fun now to actually be able to see things more clearly and to see the baby wiggle around. It was also nice that it was a more detailed ultrasound and not just a heartbeat check. This one was a "first trimester screening" where they can take a preliminary look at the body/organs and measure the nuchal translucency (meaning the amount of fluid in the back of the neck- extra fluid can indicate a genetic disorder). They shou...

 6/21/21 This was the day I looked forward to from September (our egg retrieval) to February (our loss). The official first day of summer and the longest day of the year sounded like the perfect time of year to have a baby. Instead he was born during the coldest week of the year on a subzero, dark, depressing day. I'm kind of glad the due date has passed now, because I was dreading it. I miss him. He should be home with us right now. We should be learning how to be parents instead of sitting here hoping we get to be parents someday.  For years I watched other people get pregnant and have kids seemingly easily while we were trying. I even know a few people who met their spouse, got married, and had multiple kids in the time frame that we've been trying to have one. I was able to mostly come to terms with that, but I'm still struggling with the people who I was finally "in line" to be a mom before... until mine died and theirs didn't. I've heard it all- I kn...

Today was a good day! I had my first ultrasound. Thankfully David was able to take off work and come with me, because I was nervous. I'm 7 weeks today, and I remembered from last time what to expect at this gestation: basically, it's a blob. But, it's a blob with a flicker of a heartbeat inside it, which is so cool to see! The doctor measured the baby and their heart rate and everything looked perfect.  The appointment was short and straightforward and felt almost anticlimactic after weeks of wondering and worrying how it would go.  Since everything was right on track we "graduated" from the fertility clinic, which means I can go to my normal OB in town instead of driving to Illinois every week! Seeing the heartbeat is a huge step- the odds of miscarriage go way down if you reach that point, so I feel very relieved. I feel like I'm over the first few hurdles, which is comforting even though there are many more to go. Hurdle 1: The embryo implanting and HCG con...

We had more good news today! I had my third pregnancy blood test and the HCG numbers are looking great. 9 days after transfer ---> 101 14 days after transfer ---> 1038 21 days after transfer ---> over 10,000! I don't even know the exact number because the machine only measures up to 10,000. But this progression is as good as we could hope for.  For reference, last time looked like... 9 days after transfer ---> 51 12 days after transfer ---> 99 19 days after transfer ---> 1785 Those numbers were on the extreme low end of normal and TERRIFIED me. I'm so relieved that the numbers look much better this time, because after all I've gone through this year my capacity to handle stress is not very high. Basically, higher and more rapidly rising numbers make a healthy pregnancy/baby more likely. It doesn't mean that lower numbers can't also indicate a healthy pregnancy (there was nothing wrong with the baby last time), but when your numbers look good a misc...

I've been pretty distracted in a good way this week after the good news (HCG increasing) on Monday. On Sunday I had convinced myself after home tests looking sort of lighter that it was a miscarriage. I was pretty shocked for the test on Monday to not only be positive but to be a higher level than I even dreamed of. I think that Tuesday of this week was honestly the first day that I didn't cry since my water broke and Christian died. It had been 65 days straight of crying. Not that I was sobbing all day every day (although that did happen), but there were some tears about missing my baby every single day. I still miss him just as much, but it's good to be distracted. And to have hope again. Fun fact: I'm 5 weeks pregnant, and 5 weeks away from my original due date. That's actually a pretty depressing fact, even though I'm happy to be pregnant at all. It really sucks starting over when you already had to wait 4 years to get pregnant in the first place. Please now...

I decided to do a thing I hadn't done before-  called "testing out the trigger." As part of my IVF medication protocol, I did a one-time shot of HCG (also called a trigger shot) a week before our embryo transfer. HCG is the pregnancy hormone. I'm sure there's a more technical explanation of what that means but I don't care enough to figure that out. When you take a pregnancy test (blood or urine), your level of HCG is what is being measured.  If things are going well, it should keep gradually increasing until the second trimester. I guess injecting HCG before an embryo transfer helps your chances of success- maybe it's commanding your body to get ready to be pregnant? Not quite sure lol. So even though you are not pregnant, you would have a positive pregnancy test if you take one after an HCG shot. If you want to be sure to not get a false positive (meaning from the shot and not from a successful embryo transfer), you need to start testing before the trans...

Being able to focus on our transfer has really helped me cope over the last week. Two Sundays ago, for the second week in a row I got all ready for church. This time I made it out of the house and even into the building... at which point I promptly left. Since David plays the organ I went with parents, and they sat down in the back. Unfortunately, they sat next to one of the people I was dreading seeing. Someone who I knew was a major risk of trying to have a sentimental (and very much unwanted) conversation with me- she's already initiated more than one unwanted conversation online.  I am definitely not at the point where I could remotely discuss anything related to my baby without crying... which I prefer not to do in public. Even an "I'm sorry" or a sympathetic look would ruin me. I also felt like people were staring at me. I'm so glad I left, because apparently after I did the person I'm most terrified of seeing sat near them too. I know someone who also d...

Ah, Mother's Day. It's coming up this weekend. The Sunday of breakfast in bed, homemade cards, posting a picture of your kids on social media to say #blessed, and awkward church meetings. I know it feels like a complicated day for a lot of people for different reasons, but I have to say it's hard to have positive feelings about the day when the only pictures of your child you have are ones like this. First of all- am I a mother? I'm in a weird limbo. I do have a child that I love and grew and gave birth to and held... but I don't get to act as his parent on Earth. I may have a child, but I don't have a child here , and I don't have anyone that calls me mom {yet}. Someone else described it as being "not a mom, but not not a mom." I guess privately I feel like I am a mother... but at the same time I would be annoyed and sad if anyone said I either was or wasn't (which I realize is perhaps irrationally sensitive). It's like- if I don't ge...

We're one day past our third embryo transfer. Our first was on 7/28, and the second was exactly 7 months ago on 10/3. I'm thankful that: -We didn't have to go through the whole process (already had embryos). -We were cleared to try again fairly soon. -There were no delays (ultrasounds and hormone levels all looked good). -The embryo thawed perfectly (sometimes embryos do not survive the thaw or survive but look "borderline"). It was definitely our best transfer experience. I was really nervous the first one because the whole process was brand new to us. I was sick worrying and felt an awful sense of dread the day before that it wouldn't work (it didn't) or would be physically painful (it wasn't). I felt fine before the second one but was really upset afterwards. We found out that the quality of the embryo wasn't very good and I sobbed about that as soon as we were alone (feeling increasingly desperate after a miscarriage and taking hormone medicati...

I feel hope! That's exciting, and a nice change of pace. Our transfer is just 2 days away, and I'm thankful to have a chance. I'm scared and I'm still really sad, but I'm trying to think about how wonderful it would be if this works out. If it's a girl I think I know what we want to name her. Boy names are so much harder, but I would be equally thrilled whatever this little embryo is- as long as they stick around. We also finally heard back about getting a puppy this summer, and it's officially happening. :) An adorable, presumably crazy Westie will be joining our family, and the best part is that they'll be Buttercup's (my parent's dog) half-sibling.

Well, I almost made it out the door to go to church in-person today! I wanted to go because David was playing piano for a musical number, and I'm disappointed in myself that I couldn't bring myself to do it. I even got completely ready including my pretty shoes. But as it got closer I started feeling more and more nervous, so I gave up and just watched online again in my safe little cocoon. I'm nervous about seeing people for the first time (I don't want anyone to mention anything "I'm sorry," etc. or give me pity looks). I was planning on getting there a minute late and leaving a minute early to avoid talking to anyone, but the other problem is that I'm afraid to see pregnant women or babies (especially people that I used to be pregnant at the same time as). I know I would cry if I see that. The reminder that it works out for almost 100% of everyone else is still too raw. I have a hard time not crying when I see random pregnant women in stores... it...

Have you seen the show The Good Place? It's one of my favorites. A group of people die and are told they're in paradise... only to find out they were being subtly tortured the whole time and they're actually in "the bad place." That's how I feel sometimes. People talk about enjoying life and counting your blessings, but I feel like life just sucks and if you think it doesn't it's just because your "torture"/trials haven't happened yet. Honestly, I can't really imagine a better, more personally-tailored way to torture me than what happened. I have loved kids since I was a kid. I was reading some of my childhood diary entries recently and I was obsessed with my cute baby cousins and cute babies at church. I loved babysitting as soon as I was old enough to do it, and eventually decided to study teaching because I love kids. Even though I got my teaching degree, I never planned on using it. I always, since I was a child, wanted to be a st...

I guess I should document that our next IVF cycle has officially started. I guess it's a big deal. It's not like I have much hope at this point, but theoretically this could be the cycle that leads to a baby we can actually take home. Although I've been pretty nervous to get started, my first day at the clinic was a good one. I never drive myself (the clinic is in Illinois, and usually David or my mom comes with me), but I decided to make a day of it, take my time, and enjoy being out of the house. Since I'm not a fan of the freeway, I took the backroads. It obviously takes longer, but I made a long playlist and actually enjoyed the pretty drive.  At the clinic I did an ultrasound, blood work, and a bunch of paperwork. Not to mention dropping $4000. No big deal, right? We already spent more than twice as much as our mortgage last year on fertility treatments. Why not throw away some more. I thought I needed a "treat myself" day considering that besides the fai...

Why do I feel so down at the moment? I feel so depressed right now. There's not really one particular reason... more just like life in general. It's frustrating that I don't feel any better than I did two months ago. Sometimes I feel like it gets progressively worse. My weekend was fine, but I have a few things weighing on me.  -Our next IVF cycle is imminent. It will probably start this week. It's exciting and the prospect that it could work makes me happy... but at the moment I mostly just feel stress and dread. I hate it. I don't want to go to the clinic, I don't want to start the painful shots again, I don't want to do through the stress of the blood tests and ultrasounds to see if it worked, I don't want to be nauseous again, I don't want to not be able to do anything (bed rest), and I don't want to live with the stress of the possibility of a miscarriage or stillbirth. -I didn't sleep well last night. Sleep has been a big struggle over ...

It's almost always at night when the feelings come out. It's just past midnight, so it's time to record my rambling thoughts. It helps get them out of my head so I can try to sleep. Today marks exactly two months since I had my baby. The feelings pour out of me when I'm getting tired, there is less to distract me, and it's been a long day of holding it together. The nights are too quiet, I'm stuck in my house, and I can't run away from my thoughts. You know, years ago I used to pride myself on never crying. There was no movie that could make me cry. I used to roll my eyes when people teared up while speaking in church because I just couldn't understand. Then infertility happened. I went from someone who rarely cried to someone who cried at the drop of a hat. Not even just at things related to infertility- all of my coping skills went downhill. My emotions became so much more raw. I used to sit in church and cry (subtly) almost every week. Since David is ...

It takes A LOT to stay distracted. I feel so much better when I'm doing something every second, but it's not easy to always have something to do when you're not working. When I stop and think, my thoughts are dark and it does not feel good.  So here's what a day in the life is like when I successfully distract myself. I had a good day today because I managed to stay occupied. Notice that I usually need to be listening to something at all times unless I'm reading. -Woke up and read my book for about 45 minutes before eating breakfast. Watched Shtisel while eating- so good! -Got ready (while listening to a few conference talks). -Picked up a prescription at Walgreens. -Voted. -Got a ton of library books (conveniently, I vote at the library). -Went to Bayshore Mall to spend an Easter gift card (and got some pretty clothes). -Picked up bread at Sendik's -3 mile walk around the neighborhood while listening to a podcast. -Finished writing my travel blog about Savannah...

It feels like we're making a bit of progress. I've been busy this week with doctor's appointments. On Monday I went back to the  fertility clinic in for the first time. I have to say, it was nice to not go there for a while. From April-November 2020, I was going there multiple times a month.  Obviously losing a baby is filled with emotions, but so is just doing IVF itself. IVF is stressful and scary, and going back to the clinic brought up old emotions.  I had a hysteroscopy, which was one of the steps I needed to check off before planning for another transfer. It's a short procedure where they insert a camera to take a look at the uterus. It turns out it was good they did, because they found that there was still some placenta remaining. That means I need to have surgery to remove it next week. That's disappointing and frankly annoying, but I'm glad they found it because it could prevent a transfer from being successful. On Tuesday I met with a maternal fetal me...

I hate Mondays because those were the days when I would reach a new week in my pregnancy. I used to look forward to Mondays so I could check my pregnancy apps and read about what size my baby was. Today I should be 26 weeks. I can't get it out of my head- every Monday I think about what week I should be in. I hate Tuesdays because that's the day my water broke.  Do you know how often I have flashbacks to that moment when I use that bathroom? How wrong it felt and the immediate sense of dread. How I called the triage nurse to ask what to do and sat there sobbing, water still gushing out, as I was on hold. I hate Wednesdays because that's the day I found out my baby was dead. After thinking everything was over on Tuesday, I had a tiny bit of hope on Wednesday morning when I hadn't gone into labor yet. I went into the hospital to get antibiotics in the hopes that I wouldn't get an infection and could stay pregnant. I went there alone. And I was alone when I found out h...

4 weeks ago I was in the hospital waiting to start medications that would induce labor. 4 weeks and 5 hours ago I found out that my son was dead. For the first few weeks afterward, I was encouraged to gradually feel a little better every week. Recovering physically helped my mental state, as did getting through the funeral. Imagine bleeding heavily, feeling painful cramps, and having milk come in (also painful)...  which remind you every single second that your baby is dead, and prevent you from being very active and able to distract yourself. Imagine the dread that comes from knowing you'll soon be seeing a tiny baby-sized coffin and have to watch it be lowered into the ground. So yeah, it did help to get past those things. But after the initial relief of getting past those difficult times, I just don't feel well this week or last week. I feel like every moment I'm fighting feeling depressed. It's a constant battle to stay distracted. When I'm not actively doing so...