Bébé Maybe

Well, I almost made it out the door to go to church in-person today! I wanted to go because David was playing piano for a musical number, and I'm disappointed in myself that I couldn't bring myself to do it. I even got completely ready including my pretty shoes. But as it got closer I started feeling more and more nervous, so I gave up and just watched online again in my safe little cocoon. I'm nervous about seeing people for the first time (I don't want anyone to mention anything "I'm sorry," etc. or give me pity looks). I was planning on getting there a minute late and leaving a minute early to avoid talking to anyone, but the other problem is that I'm afraid to see pregnant women or babies (especially people that I used to be pregnant at the same time as). I know I would cry if I see that. The reminder that it works out for almost 100% of everyone else is still too raw. I have a hard time not crying when I see random pregnant women in stores... it...

Have you seen the show The Good Place? It's one of my favorites. A group of people die and are told they're in paradise... only to find out they were being subtly tortured the whole time and they're actually in "the bad place." That's how I feel sometimes. People talk about enjoying life and counting your blessings, but I feel like life just sucks and if you think it doesn't it's just because your "torture"/trials haven't happened yet. Honestly, I can't really imagine a better, more personally-tailored way to torture me than what happened. I have loved kids since I was a kid. I was reading some of my childhood diary entries recently and I was obsessed with my cute baby cousins and cute babies at church. I loved babysitting as soon as I was old enough to do it, and eventually decided to study teaching because I love kids. Even though I got my teaching degree, I never planned on using it. I always, since I was a child, wanted to be a st...

I guess I should document that our next IVF cycle has officially started. I guess it's a big deal. It's not like I have much hope at this point, but theoretically this could be the cycle that leads to a baby we can actually take home. Although I've been pretty nervous to get started, my first day at the clinic was a good one. I never drive myself (the clinic is in Illinois, and usually David or my mom comes with me), but I decided to make a day of it, take my time, and enjoy being out of the house. Since I'm not a fan of the freeway, I took the backroads. It obviously takes longer, but I made a long playlist and actually enjoyed the pretty drive.  At the clinic I did an ultrasound, blood work, and a bunch of paperwork. Not to mention dropping $4000. No big deal, right? We already spent more than twice as much as our mortgage last year on fertility treatments. Why not throw away some more. I thought I needed a "treat myself" day considering that besides the fai...

Why do I feel so down at the moment? I feel so depressed right now. There's not really one particular reason... more just like life in general. It's frustrating that I don't feel any better than I did two months ago. Sometimes I feel like it gets progressively worse. My weekend was fine, but I have a few things weighing on me.  -Our next IVF cycle is imminent. It will probably start this week. It's exciting and the prospect that it could work makes me happy... but at the moment I mostly just feel stress and dread. I hate it. I don't want to go to the clinic, I don't want to start the painful shots again, I don't want to do through the stress of the blood tests and ultrasounds to see if it worked, I don't want to be nauseous again, I don't want to not be able to do anything (bed rest), and I don't want to live with the stress of the possibility of a miscarriage or stillbirth. -I didn't sleep well last night. Sleep has been a big struggle over ...

It's almost always at night when the feelings come out. It's just past midnight, so it's time to record my rambling thoughts. It helps get them out of my head so I can try to sleep. Today marks exactly two months since I had my baby. The feelings pour out of me when I'm getting tired, there is less to distract me, and it's been a long day of holding it together. The nights are too quiet, I'm stuck in my house, and I can't run away from my thoughts. You know, years ago I used to pride myself on never crying. There was no movie that could make me cry. I used to roll my eyes when people teared up while speaking in church because I just couldn't understand. Then infertility happened. I went from someone who rarely cried to someone who cried at the drop of a hat. Not even just at things related to infertility- all of my coping skills went downhill. My emotions became so much more raw. I used to sit in church and cry (subtly) almost every week. Since David is ...

It takes A LOT to stay distracted. I feel so much better when I'm doing something every second, but it's not easy to always have something to do when you're not working. When I stop and think, my thoughts are dark and it does not feel good.  So here's what a day in the life is like when I successfully distract myself. I had a good day today because I managed to stay occupied. Notice that I usually need to be listening to something at all times unless I'm reading. -Woke up and read my book for about 45 minutes before eating breakfast. Watched Shtisel while eating- so good! -Got ready (while listening to a few conference talks). -Picked up a prescription at Walgreens. -Voted. -Got a ton of library books (conveniently, I vote at the library). -Went to Bayshore Mall to spend an Easter gift card (and got some pretty clothes). -Picked up bread at Sendik's -3 mile walk around the neighborhood while listening to a podcast. -Finished writing my travel blog about Savannah...