Bébé Maybe

I'm relieved that it's Friday and that another week is ending. It wasn't an easy week, but I guess I can be thankful that it was better than last week. I had one day where I felt happy (when I did a fun shopping outing). The rest of the days were a mix of feeling sad and feeling okay. I'm just trying to distract myself as much as possible. That's why I still feel like I can't talk to anyone outside of my immediate family- people bringing things up either in person or through messages would just derail my efforts to be distracted. Now that it's almost March, I've been thinking about some upcoming dates that I'm really dreading. I've found that getting out my thoughts through writing helps to get bad thoughts out of my mind, so this is my attempt to stop dwelling on these dates. April 15th, my first baby's due date This was my original due date for my first baby. I got pregnant last August with our first round of IVF. After years of taking preg...

Today marks 2 weeks since I found out my baby died. It's also the first day that I haven't sobbed or spent a significant amount of time lying in bed being sad. In some ways I almost feel bad that I didn't. It feels almost like a betrayal of my son.  Don't get me wrong, there were still times that I teared up... and I don't exactly feel like a ray of sunshine. But there are a few things that are helping me at the moment. First, I am feeling physically a lot better. Not 100%, but being able to be up and about for most of the day is nice. When I first came home from the hospital I was too sore to do much and it was torture to not have many options to distract myself. In a similar vein, I made a goal to leave the house every day this week.  On Sunday, David and I went on a walk. It was cold and I didn't feel like it, but worth it for the distraction factor. We also stopped at my parent's house. Those were the only moments the whole day when I didn't feel com...

I'm struggling with reliving certain moments that continue to haunt me. I can remember every minute detail of these moments. With the exception of holding our baby, which I want to remember even though it was extremely painful, I wish I could erase the rest of these memories. I'm hoping that writing about them helps get them out of my system a bit. I hate talking about these things, but I've found that writing is a good therapy for me. _________________________________________________________________________ The moment my water broke. I was 99% sure what had happened and knew that it was very bad. It's honestly hard not to think about it every time I use that bathroom. That was the moment when everything changed. The moment in the ER when the doctor confirmed that my water had broken and said that our baby had only a one in a million chance of surviving.  The moment when I started gushing blood. There was so much that it soaked through multiple layers of clothing and th...

For those that weren't at the service, this is what I said. It was hard to get the words out but I'm glad I was able to do it.  --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Christian, From the second I found out you were on the way, the very thought of you made me smile. Hearing your heartbeat, seeing you on ultrasounds, feeling you move, planning for your arrival, and sharing about your upcoming arrival with loved ones were the most joyous moments of my entire life. It hasn’t been an easy journey. I was afraid of the shots and medical treatments that made your miraculous conception possible, and I felt sick every day that I was pregnant with you. But I want you to know that every second of pain or fear or sickness was completely worth it, and that I have no regrets because it meant that there was a chance of having you. We prayed for you multiple times every day, and your dad even fasted every Sunday because we wanted you to be healthy and t...

We made it through the first week and then some. Our son's funeral was today. We had a very small group of close family and friends gather for a short service, and then just us, my parents, and sister and brother-in-law went to the burial.  It was pretty emotionally exhausting. I'm relieved it's over after dreading it all week. David played the piano, including an original composition he wrote the day we came home from the hospital. He and I both spoke, along with someone from our bishopric. I'm glad I was able to speak, even though my words weren't particularly uplifting. I left that to David. I'm not feeling uplifted or comforted by anything at the moment, so I couldn't do that.  I just feel angry and sad.  It took a long time, but I think I was finally able to accept and comes to terms with our infertility... even though it's been an extremely hard journey involving years of pain. But I feel like I can't accept this along with being infertile. Kn...

4 years of trying for a baby. 2 rounds of IVF, 175 shots. Over 100 days of being nauseous all day, every day. 5 months of being pregnant. Now, all for nothing. On the day of our transfer, we were told that we had a 40% chance of bringing home a baby at the end of this process. By the 10 week ultrasound when all looked well and there was a healthy heartbeat, the odds had increased to 95%. By the 20 week ultrasound, 99%. And we were in the unlucky 1%. It seems especially cruel that this happened just a week after that joyous 20 week ultrasound. Our baby looked perfectly healthy and we found out we were having a son. Last Friday I went baby shopping for the first time. We bought adorable clothes. I chose the nursery theme. Last week I was planning his nursery and this week I am planning his funeral. It seems especially cruel that if it had happened just a few weeks earlier, I wouldn't have had to go through labor (there are more options to deliver the baby if they're smaller). It ...

 It was a big week!  On Tuesday it was ~anatomy scan~ time. This was very exciting, and for me- kind of stressful. Up until this point, the only thing we knew about the baby was that they had a heartbeat and were moving around (I feel them move all the time now!). We did not do any kind of genetic testing beforehand, so we had no idea if the baby was healthy, growing normally, etc. So as exciting as this ultrasound was, I was pretty nervous! I was thankful that David was allowed to come with me. I've heard that in other states husbands can't come to any ultrasounds or pregnancy appointments because of Covid. Thankfully, baby cooperated with the ultrasound and showed us what they were right away! Then for almost an hour, the ultrasound tech went through every single thing. They counted the fingers and toes, looked at each chamber of the heart, and so much more! It's amazing what you can see when the baby is still so small. Apparently their heart is only the size of a quarter...