Bébé Maybe

Now that I've told people that I've done IVF, I've realized that most people have no idea what it it involves or what it's like. For those who are curious, this is what it was like for me. I've done 2 full IVF cycles this year- in July and September. If you scroll back on this blog you can probably find more information (although I have a lot of posts set to private). This is just a basic summary of the different phases of the process. Ovarian Stimulation Your body usually only releases one egg per cycle. When you do IVF, you take medications that stimulate your ovaries to release as many eggs as possible at one time. The amount of time you take the medications varies according how your body reacts. It's usually between 1-2 weeks. I had 12 days of stimulation meds for both cycles. It looked like this: Follistim: 2 shots/day for the whole stim process, stimulated the ovaries Low-dose HCG: started halfway through the stim process, 1 shot/day, helped stimulate th...

 6 months to go! I just hit 12 weeks. When I put it like that, it doesn't seem very far away. Baby is now the size of a macaron. I'm so in love with the fact that I found a pregnancy app that compares baby's size to French pastries. I had my first check-up with a "normal" OB a few days ago. It's so fun to see the ultrasounds but I wish they were longer! At little check-ups like this they just quickly measure how big the baby is and check the heartbeat and that's it. A bad quality image of a bad quality image... but oh well. Baby was exactly the right size and had a strong heartbeat. I could see them so much clearer on the screen then I can in the blurry picture they print out. I want a video of them moving around! It was cool to see the differences from my last ultrasound 2 weeks ago. I could tell that their body started to catch up in size to their giant head. 10 weeks on the left and 12 weeks on the right Other recent developments are- 1. We told everyon...

After having to make the drive to Illinois about 30 times... we're done! Last Monday I had an ultrasound at 10 weeks. It was delayed by a few weeks thanks to having Covid. David was able to come in for it, which was exciting.  Everything about it went well. The baby was measuring at the perfect size, the heartbeat was strong, and they were moving around quite a bit. We even saw them wave at us with their little arm stub. We got to hear the heartbeat for the first time instead of just seeing the flicker. At the last ultrasound I could hardly see anything because it was so tiny. It was fun to actually be able to see the shape of a baby. A good check-up means that I'm done with the fertility clinic until I want my next kid. Now I need to find an OB in this area. It seems very daunting to find someone that's good enough. I'm still having a hard time celebrating. I have excited moments but it's hard to fully accept it and believe it's actually happening. David wants ...

I made it 8 months without getting Covid... not so lucky in month 9 of the pandemic. We have it! I got it at work. Which in hindsight seems inevitable considering I'm in very close proximity to other people all day (our classroom is crowded). There is still lots of good news. Neither of us was super sick. We both had one day of feeling kind of gross with a very low fever of 99 and a headache. That was followed by about a week of a mild stuffy nose. Honestly we are lucky because pretty much every cold I've ever had has been worse. It was amazing to get 2 weeks off of work. I've been so tired juggling school, doctor's appointments, and teaching dance on top of not feeling well due to medication side effects/pregnancy. The timing was also great because the time off coincided with feeling nauseous a lot of the time. I don't know how I would have handled being at work all day while trying not to throw up. Our quarantine officially ends tomorrow and it's a little bitt...

As of a few days ago on Monday, I'm considered 2 months pregnant.  Wait... let's rewind. Just over a week ago (on 11/2), when I was considered 7 weeks, I kind of saw the baby for the first time. I say kind of because it was an incredibly grainy, blurry image. I basically saw a tiny blob. The cool part was that I caught a glimpse of the flicker that's the heartbeat. That was exciting. The part that made me a little nervous (there always has to be something lol) was that it looked a little smaller than it should have. I mean, at that point the baby is only about the size of the cheerio. Apparently it's pretty hard to measure something that's that tiny, plus it wasn't positioned close to the wand so it was hard to see. That said, I have hope that the size is fine but it was just too difficult to get a clear measurement. That doesn't mean I wasn't eagerly awaiting the next ultrasound. The doctor said that if by the next one it had grown and still had a hear...

Looking back, I can pretty clearly divide our infertility journey into 3 distinct stages. They've all been difficult in their own ways. I can't believe I was only 27 when this mess started. There have been a lot of painful memories throughout this process, but in some ways it's nice to look back and see how far we've come. The "hope and disappointment" stage (2017-2018) A few months after getting married we decided we were ready to have kids. We were 24 and 27. I read online that couples in their 20s had a 90% chance of conceiving within a year and a 25% chance within 3 months. At first, I freaked out a little bit that it would happen so soon and would have a mini panic attack every month wondering if I would get my period or not. As time went on and I got more used to the idea, slight relief at my period every month morphed into slight disappointment. 6 months later, I really started to worry. A year later, I was struggling. Slight disappointment every month ...

Our transfer was one month ago!  This entire time I feel like we've been in limbo. The limbo of not knowing whether it worked or not, followed by the limbo of not knowing if it will keep working. My HCG has continued to go up according to my many blood tests. 10/12: 51 10/15: 99 10/19: 530 10/22: 1785 10/26: 7800 I've felt a little better about that starting on 10/19 when it jumped. The first two levels were concerning (the extreme low end of what could be considered normal). My home tests have also continued to get darker. I've taken 3 tests/week starting on 10/10.                                        I was excited when last weekend on 10/24 I had my first "dye stealer."  This is a picture of a 10/10 test v. a 10/24 test. 'Dye stealer' is the lingo invented by other desperate women who obsessively take tests. It means that the pregnancy line is darker than the control line. W...

We've officially made it farther than we ever have! After a week of anxious waiting, I tested at home for the first time on Saturday 10/10, 7 days after our transfer. It was positive. I felt a lot of relief, but knowing what happened last time I can't say I felt happy quite yet. I had my first beta blood test on Monday. I was very fortunate to have the day off due to a Jewish holiday, because waiting for that phone call is torture. My HCG levels were 51 at that point. Considering that last time it was 87 at the same time and that one didn't work out, I didn't feel hopeful at all. There were definitely tears. By Thursday 10/15 my HCG increased to 99 . The levels are ideally supposed to double every 48-72 hours. Mine almost doubled in 73 hours. Again, I didn't feel super hopeful... but at least we weren't out of the game. I kept testing at home all weekend and was happy to see the line getting darker, but of course I was still stressed out. My third beta was tod...

Advice if you're going through infertility I have been going through a lot the past few years and now I am just brimming with wisdom. Well, I like to think that I am.  This is what I wish I would have known before starting on this journey. 1. Research a lot, but then stop when you start treatments. It's important to be informed and to understand what you might be getting into. Researching will help prepare you, help to manage your expectations, and help you to advocate for yourself. But when you start treatment, it will be stressful and you won't be feeling your best physically or emotionally. At that point, reading about worst case scenarios and other people's experiences (that are inevitably different from your own) will not be helpful. Keep in mind that most of the people who are sharing online are usually the people whose treatments are especially difficult. When things go smoothly, people do not feel the need to ask for advice or vent online. Once you start trea...

It's kind of ironic. The exit that we take to get to our clinic is at Six Flags. So I see giant roller coasters every time I go there. Infertility and infertility treatments are absolutely a roller coaster. Here are some of my up and down emotions from this eventful week. On Monday I felt thankful and relieved to have made it through the egg retrieval. The outcome was much better than expected. We were told to expect 3-5 eggs and we ended up with 9! On Tuesday I felt even happier after getting the much-awaited phone call with our fertilization results. Out of the 9 eggs, 7 were mature and 6 fertilized and became embryos. That was amazing news, and again, better than expected. I had very long work days on Wednesday and Thursday. I left home at 7:15am and wasn't done working until 8pm- all with no break. I wasn't quite back to normal after the retrieval on Monday still in a little pain and didn't have as much energy as usual after having anesthesia. To add to that, I star...

I made it through the stim shots. I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm tired and my stomach is covered in bruises, but I made it. I made it through 4am wake-up calls and making it to appointments before long days at work. I made it through the stress of going through this process while juggling working full-time, subbing for additional classes, teaching dance 2 days a week, and dog-sitting. After my appointment this morning I waited faithfully by my phone for the call that would tell me whether I needed to come in again or whether to prepare for the egg retrieval. Of course, the call didn't come until I was sitting on a 100 year old train surrounded by other people on the way to an apple orchard. The response was the latter- I got instructions to take the trigger shot tonight for a Monday retrieval. It will be on the 28th- happy anniversary to us. I'm trying to be happy that we at least made it to this point because that's not a guarantee. But I'm sad and disappointe...

It's been a week. Tuesday was day 1 of IVF cycle #2. We woke up at 4:30am to get to our clinic in Illinois before work. I had a 6:30 appointment, and I ended up having to wait a whole hour before my appointment even started. That's never happened before, I usually never have to wait at all. I was stressing out pretty hardcore because I told my work I would only be a few minutes late and get there by 8:10, and David had a 9am meeting he couldn't miss.  Thankfully David ended up being only few minutes late. But I didn't get to work until after 9:30 and it was chaos when I got there. I had to sub for another teacher (with no lesson plans) and I was exhausted by the end of the day. After school I had multiple errands to run, including my second blood test of the day and stopping at the Falls rec. department in preparation for yet another job that was starting the next day. I finally got home 12 hours after I left. I did my first shot that night. Wednesday was a normal work ...

 September is shaping up to be the busiest month of my life. I honestly have no idea if I will be able to mentally/physically handle it. Our next round of IVF will most likely start in less than a week. That will mean shots, medications, and all of the side effects... plus at least 6 visits to the clinic in Illinois. Right now we're planning on going the clinic before work. That means leaving the house at 5:30 to get there at 6:30, and rushing right to work to be there close to 8am. I'm worried about getting enough sleep to be able to physically function. One of the medications last time caused insomnia. I would wake up at between 2-4am and not be able to fall back asleep. It wasn't a big deal last time because I could sleep as much as I wanted during the day. This time... not so much. Besides working full-time (7:50-3:50), I am subbing for 2 Hebrew classes this month. I have to prepare those extra lessons every day. As if that's not enough... dance starts next week. I...

 Currently chilling here half-asleep waiting for a phone call. It hasn't been a good day. The last time I tested was on Thursday. I tested again today hoping to see a darker line to reassure myself. That backfired. The line wasn't darker. It looked pretty much exactly the same... if anything, a tiny bit lighter. Theoretically it should be significantly darker 4 days later if I have more HCG in my body. It was dumb, but I did that test at 3am. I woke up and felt nervous and couldn't wait. Then when the result wasn't what I hoped for, I couldn't fall back asleep. I've already been super tired thanks to the extra hormones, and waking up at 3 did not help. Really not feeling myself. My mom drove me to the clinic today to get a blood test, which is of course much more precise. My levels were 87 on Thursday, and should be at least 350 today if everything is going well. I'm really struggling to hope right now. I cried the whole way to Illinois. Last week they calle...

Yesterday was a pretty historic occasion. I had my first positive pregnancy test. In my life. I took the test 8 days after our transfer. Some people start testing as early as 4 days afterwards, but the likelihood of getting a negative (even when you are pregnant) is pretty high if you test too early.  I've seen enough negative pregnancy tests in my lifetime, not really interested in seeing more. I also didn't want to wait all the way until my blood test, because waiting for that phone call hours after your appointment is horrible. I wanted to have an idea of what the results would be beforehand, but I also didn't want to torture myself by testing obsessively every day. I dreamed the night before that I had a positive test, and in my dream I was so happy that I carried my pee stick around all day and kept looking at it haha. I did NOT do that in real life, but I did keep it out on the bathroom counter and smiled every time I walked past it. After my dream I woke up feeling e...

It has been an eventful week. I've heard other people refer to this part of IVF as the "Hunger Games" because there are less and less of your precious little embryos every day. It's a terrible waiting game as you know more of them are dying off every day. As each one dies off it's one less chance to have a child. After the fertilization report on Friday (7 made it to that point), I was expecting to hear on Monday how many blastocysts we had. Blastocysts are the embryos that look healthy and are developed enough to either transfer or freeze. Apparently my clinic doesn't give you that info then. They just called to schedule my transfer, so at least I could assume that we had at least one good embryo. It really messed with me to not get that information. It was a hard day. I kept envisioning that we only had one, or that they would call to cancel the transfer because that one didn't make it either. Monday's key word: STRESSED. Besides stressi...

We've officially made it through the retrieval and I'm so happy! After 12 days of shots, I took the trigger shot at 10:45pm on Tuesday night. Don't mind me, just taking artsy pictures with my needle late at night. The timing is very precise. You ovulate 36 hours later, and that's when they schedule your retrieval for. On Wednesday I had a break from shots but I couldn't really do much because I was sore, bloated, and really tired. I had some nerves on Wednesday night, but we felt excited when we arrived at the clinic on Thursday morning. Only cool people take mask selfies. Waking up from anesthesia is such a weird feeling. I'm not nearly as funny as David is when he has drugs. I didn't say anything weird, but I did try to drink water with my mask on. We got the good news right away that they retrieved 10 eggs! This was the absolute best case scenario, so I was thrilled. 2 days beforehand the nurse counted 6 follicles that were alre...

IVF is confusing. It's pretty complicated and yet once you actually start the process, it goes by really so quickly. One of my main questions before starting IVF was how long it took and what the schedule was like.. this is how my 2 cycles ended up going. 7/9: I start my period, which means our cycle will be starting. 7/10: First appointment at the clinic for baseline ultrasound/blood work. First Follistim injection at night. 7/11-7/20 Stimulation medications every morning/night and appointments every few days (Follistim, Ganirelix, and low-dose HCG injections). 7/21 Trigger shot at night 7/23: Egg retrieval, 10 eggs retrieved 7/24 Start PIO shots (continued every day until negative blood test) 7/28 Transfer of 1 embryo (2 others are frozen) 8/6  Pregnancy blood test is positive, level is 87. 8/10 HCG level has gone down to 50, which means miscarriage. 9/14 Started my period, so our second cycle will be starting 9/15 First appointment, started Follistim injections. 9/16-9...

Today is Day 8 of "stims," which are the injections meant to stimulate my ovaries to make as many eggs as possible. It's actually gone by very fast! For the first few days, I started out with just 2 Follistim shots per day. I'm still doing that, with the addition of a Ganirelix shot in the morning (to prevent me from ovulating too soon), and a low-dose HCG shot at night. I have gone into the clinic last Saturday, Tuesday, Friday, and today. I'm getting very used to that drive to Illinois. Every time they do the same thing- a blood test to check my hormone levels and an ultrasound to count the follicles. I've been too afraid to ask specific questions about how it was going, but today I found out the exact counts. As of today there are 5 on the left side and 1 on the right that are big enough. They think another couple will possibly also grow to be big enough. Going into this I was hoping to get 8, so it looks like we might be on track for that. ...

We have officially started IVF! It feels so good to finally be DOING something. I had my first appointment on Saturday, 7/10. We had to leave our house at 6:45am to be there bright and early. They took blood, did an ultrasound, a Covid test, and gave me a little more training on how to do the shots. There were also a mountain of consent forms to finish signing and a just a tiny little payment of $11,100 to take care of. We have already paid $400 for a deposit, $3800 for the meds, and $550 for David's side of things. That adds up to a grand total of (drumroll please) $15,850. Not counting the other testing we've had done over the last year and a half. Thankfully, we were extremely financially blessed a few months ago. Right before Covid shut everything down, David had interviewed at a different company. He decided to accept the new job literally one day before his former company furloughed him with no pay (having NO idea that would happen). The new job included a si...

We decided that we wanted to try to have kids in February of 2017. The first person I told was my mom... I think it was sometime around September of 2017, after just over 6 months of trying. I was starting to be stressed about it. Since then, the only other people we have told besides my parents are my sister (and her husband) and David's parents. It has been almost 3.5 years of not spilling the beans to anyone outside of our immediate families. I originally didn't want to tell anyone about it until we were successful, but with IVF starting this month I felt like it would be a good idea to ask for some prayers (and fasting). So I wrote an email to my family last week, and told a few friends. For some reason it brought up a lot of emotions. I felt embarrassed to tell people something so personal, and I hate asking for help for anything. But the cat is out of the bag now! And just in time, because IVF officially starts tomorrow!!!! We have to be in Illino...

Over the last month or two, I have felt a lot more at peace with our infertility struggles and the the fact that we need to do IVF. I'm not 100% sure what brought about this change in attitude, but here are some of my thoughts. -The shock has worn off. I've never been great at adjusting when things don't go the way I expect them to. It tends to make me feel anxious, even when it's something small (like my schedule is changed #iknowthatsdumb). Now that it's been almost 6 months since we were told that IVF is our only choice, I've had the time to adjust, get used to the idea, do lots of research, and grieve. -I'm just excited to try any freaking form of treatment!! In over 3 years of infertility, we have never been been able to try any kind of treatment. No medication, no procedures, nothing. Even though the form of treatment we're about to try is pretty terrifying, it makes me so happy that we get to try something. The day I found out that we coul...

We have a date!! Our egg retrieval and transfer will, if all things go well, be the last week of July. So far this week, I have -printed, signed, and scanned at least 10 different consent forms about various parts of the process (one involving a notary) -done an hour-long online training about the process and all of its risks -ordered, paid for, and scheduled delivery of my IVF medications -transferred a needed medical record -spent hours watching videos and reading about other women's IVF experiences -stocked up on IVF supplies (heating pads, ice packs, and more) There's probably more. I've felt very busy. I'm so happy the timing is working out so that I'm not working right now! Since Monday I've had a really hard time focusing on anything else. I've even had a hard time reading, which is normally a good escape. My feelings have alternated between feeling hopeful and happy that things are FINALLY progressing and nerves abou...