Looking back, I can pretty clearly divide our infertility journey into 3 distinct stages. They've all been difficult in their own ways. I can't believe I was only 27 when this mess started. There have been a lot of painful memories throughout this process, but in some ways it's nice to look back and see how far we've come.
The "hope and disappointment" stage (2017-2018)
A few months after getting married we decided we were ready to have kids. We were 24 and 27. I read online that couples in their 20s had a 90% chance of conceiving within a year and a 25% chance within 3 months.
At first, I freaked out a little bit that it would happen so soon and would have a mini panic attack every month wondering if I would get my period or not. As time went on and I got more used to the idea, slight relief at my period every month morphed into slight disappointment.
6 months later, I really started to worry. A year later, I was struggling. Slight disappointment every month turned into slight depression. I would cry and feel down for days. Almost every month I would imagine 'symptoms' and think I felt different and that it had finally happened. Inevitably, the hope and excitement would come crashing down. The constant ups and downs were hard to handle. I was lonely and bored in France- retail therapy and traveling were my coping mechanisms.
By the time I turned 29, I had pretty much completely given up hope for it to happen naturally. I started to accept that we might need medical help and was hopeful that things would be resolved soon after just moving back to the U.S.
The "testing and waiting" phase (2018-2019)
After a summer of 2 knee surgeries and waiting until I could walk again, I finally scheduled an initial consult with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) for December of 2018. I was terrified.
Terrified to find out bad news, terrified to talk about very private things, terrified for possible medical procedures, and frankly, terrified to be told it was 'my fault' for being overweight. I had already spent a long time blaming myself.
Thus started a very long period of testing. TSH, AMH, HSG... I learned lots of acronyms. Initially it looked like we had no issues. Over time it turned out that there were problems on both my side and David's side.
It felt like this part of the process took forever. It seemed like the doctor didn't care and wasn't concerned at all. I got the impression that we weren't a priority because we were still considered young. Turning 30 and feeling like we'd made ZERO progress towards having kids was depressing. I never wanted to be in my 30s without children.
We had to be more aggressive and really advocate for ourselves to finally start getting answers and treatment.
The "finally doing something" phase (2020)
Finally! In January David had a surgical procedure that gave us some answers. In February we were told we needed to do IVF.
In March all IVF clinics closed because of a WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC. Imagine waiting for 3 years and finally reaching the point of getting treatment for the first time just for everything to close the very month you were going to start. That was not great.
Covid prompted us to switch to a different fertility clinic. We found one that had a better reputation, actually had an opening date, and was likely to take us more seriously. The only problem was that it was in Illinois, but the fact we were both working from home and had more flexibility made the distance less of an obstacle.
I had a few preliminary appointments there in April and then had to adjust a medication and wait to test those levels again. Everything looked good in June, so our first IVF cycle was scheduled for early July. I made it through the many shots and procedures. It ultimately resulted in a very early miscarriage :( and 2 additional frozen embryos :) .
Every time they transfer an embryo, you have about a 50% chance of bringing home a baby. I got to see a positive pregnancy test for the first time in my life in August, but it sadly didn't last. Of course that was very hard even knowing the odds beforehand. That's why we went on our road trip to Hannibal/Galena. Travel was limited due to Covid but we felt like we HAD to get out.
We didn't feel comfortable having only 2 embryos left because ideally we would like more than 2 children. We decided to do another IVF cycle right away instead of trying another transfer. The younger I am, the more likely it is that we'll get good quality embryos.
Our next cycle started in September. It was nice having gone through it before and knowing what to expect, but it's been rough balancing work and lots of appointments/not feeling well due to medication. We're still waiting to see how this cycle will turn out but I'm really hoping to add a happy ending to this story at some point.
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