Bébé Maybe

It feels like we're making a bit of progress. I've been busy this week with doctor's appointments. On Monday I went back to the  fertility clinic in for the first time. I have to say, it was nice to not go there for a while. From April-November 2020, I was going there multiple times a month.  Obviously losing a baby is filled with emotions, but so is just doing IVF itself. IVF is stressful and scary, and going back to the clinic brought up old emotions.  I had a hysteroscopy, which was one of the steps I needed to check off before planning for another transfer. It's a short procedure where they insert a camera to take a look at the uterus. It turns out it was good they did, because they found that there was still some placenta remaining. That means I need to have surgery to remove it next week. That's disappointing and frankly annoying, but I'm glad they found it because it could prevent a transfer from being successful. On Tuesday I met with a maternal fetal me...

I hate Mondays because those were the days when I would reach a new week in my pregnancy. I used to look forward to Mondays so I could check my pregnancy apps and read about what size my baby was. Today I should be 26 weeks. I can't get it out of my head- every Monday I think about what week I should be in. I hate Tuesdays because that's the day my water broke.  Do you know how often I have flashbacks to that moment when I use that bathroom? How wrong it felt and the immediate sense of dread. How I called the triage nurse to ask what to do and sat there sobbing, water still gushing out, as I was on hold. I hate Wednesdays because that's the day I found out my baby was dead. After thinking everything was over on Tuesday, I had a tiny bit of hope on Wednesday morning when I hadn't gone into labor yet. I went into the hospital to get antibiotics in the hopes that I wouldn't get an infection and could stay pregnant. I went there alone. And I was alone when I found out h...

4 weeks ago I was in the hospital waiting to start medications that would induce labor. 4 weeks and 5 hours ago I found out that my son was dead. For the first few weeks afterward, I was encouraged to gradually feel a little better every week. Recovering physically helped my mental state, as did getting through the funeral. Imagine bleeding heavily, feeling painful cramps, and having milk come in (also painful)...  which remind you every single second that your baby is dead, and prevent you from being very active and able to distract yourself. Imagine the dread that comes from knowing you'll soon be seeing a tiny baby-sized coffin and have to watch it be lowered into the ground. So yeah, it did help to get past those things. But after the initial relief of getting past those difficult times, I just don't feel well this week or last week. I feel like every moment I'm fighting feeling depressed. It's a constant battle to stay distracted. When I'm not actively doing so...

I think where I left off last time, I wrote that I had a pretty good day on Monday and a harder day on Tuesday. The rest of my week was also kind of a mixed bag. I had some good outings and enjoyed walking more outside as it's getting gradually nicer. I walked to McDonald's for a Shamrock Shake, taught dance, ventured to Half-Price Books to get rid of old books and pick up a few new, and went out to a nice dinner with my family.  I also started trying my hand at digital scrapbooking for the first time, which has been fun. I have thousands pictures from our year and a half living in France- so there's no way I could document it all by hand. It's fun to get started on that massive project. One of the tougher parts of my week was my doctor's appointment on Wednesday. This was my first check-up since leaving the hospital, and I had been dreading it. Here are some things I hated about it- 1. This appointment was originally scheduled as my 24 week check-up, and I kept thi...

Ok, maybe not highs. Mediums and lows? I'm constantly cycling through moments of feeling okay and moments of feeling depressed. It's tiring to being going through a roller coaster of emotions all the time. I heard someone describe once how your capacity for both joy and sorrow increases when you get married and have children. They said something like when you're single, your emotions range between 1-10. When you get married, it goes from -25 to 25. When you have children, from -100 to 100. Because when you love other people deeply, they can bring you more joy when things go well and more sorrow when they don't. I feel that at the moment. When I was pregnant I was happier than I'd ever been. And the absolute depths of sadness that I feel now... I could never have imagined before I lost my baby. I'm trying. Trying to be normal and to live my life, and to do both productive things and things I enjoy. The beginnings of weeks are hard- a week seems impossibly long fr...