Bébé Maybe

Friday was a big day, and we're very thankful for how it went! First of all, at 19 weeks I am at least halfway to the finish line.  For various medical reasons my doctors don't want me to go past 38 weeks... so the latest this baby will be here is January 5th!!! Of course, with a history of preterm labor there's a chance it could be earlier... which I am fine with as long as it's at a safe time for the baby of course. We had the big anatomy scan last week and David was able to get off work early and come with me. It amazes me how detailed this scan is. Even though the baby is about the size of a banana, they can zoom in and see so much. They went through the whole body and looked at and measured the brain, heart, arms, legs, fingers, toes, stomach, liver, kidneys, and more. I felt more and more relief as they went through each body part and everything looked normal.  At our "for fun" non-medical ultrasound a month ago, we found out she's a girl. And this u...

I'm feeling kind of grumpy and annoyed that this has to be my life.  I know in so many ways I'm lucky, but at the moment certain things are just weighing very heavily. This summer 3 of my cousins had babies within {less than} 2 months of my dead son's due date. Why do they get to be happy? Why not me, when I have gone through so much more? While rationally I know it's not connected to me or my life,  emotionally it feels like I'm getting kicked over and over again while I'm down. Even though I assume I'll have a living baby someday (I am thankfully pregnant again, after all)... why am I the one who has to wait? It's hard to watch other people be happy and to see people who love me celebrate something that brings back my depression. Sitting here in my little black hole all alone, I can't comprehend how other people get to move on with life and have joy while my son is dead. It makes me feel like my baby is forgotten. It should be my parents that get t...

Ahhhh... I'm pretty sure we know the gender!!!! Now that the baby is big enough, I don't get an ultrasound at every appointment. They just do a heartbeat check with the doppler. I realized that would mean a 6 week gap with no ultrasounds, and I didn't like the sound of that. So I found an elective, non-medical ultrasound place. We paid for a package for 2 ultrasounds- 1 after 14 weeks where they try to find out the gender, and 1 after 25 weeks, where they can get cute 3-D pictures. Yesterday I was 15 weeks and 3 days. It looks like the baby is close to being 6 inches long already. At first it looked we wouldn't be able to find out, because I guess our baby is modest and had their legs crossed and the cord inconveniently placed. The ultrasound tech had me drink some cold water, get up and move around, and cough. It took 3 rounds of doing that for the baby to get in the correct position. It looked like she got a clear view and she was pretty confident. I'm 99% sure th...