The Future

It feels like we're making a bit of progress.

I've been busy this week with doctor's appointments.

On Monday I went back to the  fertility clinic in for the first time.

I have to say, it was nice to not go there for a while. From April-November 2020, I was going there multiple times a month. 

Obviously losing a baby is filled with emotions, but so is just doing IVF itself. IVF is stressful and scary, and going back to the clinic brought up old emotions. 

I had a hysteroscopy, which was one of the steps I needed to check off before planning for another transfer. It's a short procedure where they insert a camera to take a look at the uterus. It turns out it was good they did, because they found that there was still some placenta remaining.

That means I need to have surgery to remove it next week. That's disappointing and frankly annoying, but I'm glad they found it because it could prevent a transfer from being successful.

On Tuesday I met with a maternal fetal medicine specialist to get her thoughts and to discuss a plan.

It ended up being a very positive visit, which I'm thankful for. I was nervous about it.

She said we can do another transfer as soon as we want to. She even said it was the best thing to do it as soon as possible because that's what would be best mentally.

She confirmed that the problem was that I have an incompetent cervix. Of all the stupid medical conditions my body could possibly have...

As much as I hate it, it's kind of a relief to know a reason. I wasn't sure if this was what I had because my cervix wasn't very short, just "on the short side." But this doctor confirmed that if your water breaks without having contractions, that indicates an incompetent cervix.

We discussed that the plan moving forward would be to do a cerclage at 12 weeks. This is a surgical stitch to close the cervix.

It made me happy that she's said she's never seen this treatment be unsuccessful if done preventatively.

It made me even happier that she looked me in the eyes and told me that she has zero doubts that this will work for me and I will have children. She even told me that because of all I've been through I will be a better mom than anyone else. 

I'm such a natural pessimist that I really needed that dose of positivity. It means a lot coming from not only a doctor, but from a specialist who did extra training in this field and works with this type of problem all the time.

Today (Wednesday), I got my Covid vaccine. I'm relieved I could get that done before doing IVF again. I had Covid while pregnant last time, and while I don't think it influenced anything because I wasn't very sick... I don't want to take any chances. I want everything to be different.

So now I'm thinking a lot about the future. About what doing IVF again will be like, and about what being pregnant again will be like.

Of course it's not a guarantee to get pregnant from IVF, but I assume I would from at least one of our four little frozen embryos.

It won't be easy. I've been told that I'll have to take it easy and not exercise at all. In my mind, that translates to basically putting myself in prison and not doing anything.

Could I walk around a grocery store and bring the bags in?

Could I hang up laundry and carry it up and down the stairs?

Could I walk around the block?

There is so much gray area. I'm trying to wrap my mind around 9 long months of not doing much. I feel like I would be afraid to kill the baby every time I move.