Advice

Advice if you're going through infertility

I have been going through a lot the past few years and now I am just brimming with wisdom. Well, I like to think that I am. 

This is what I wish I would have known before starting on this journey.

1. Research a lot, but then stop when you start treatments. It's important to be informed and to understand what you might be getting into. Researching will help prepare you, help to manage your expectations, and help you to advocate for yourself. But when you start treatment, it will be stressful and you won't be feeling your best physically or emotionally. At that point, reading about worst case scenarios and other people's experiences (that are inevitably different from your own) will not be helpful. Keep in mind that most of the people who are sharing online are usually the people whose treatments are especially difficult. When things go smoothly, people do not feel the need to ask for advice or vent online. Once you start treatments, try your hardest to ask your clinic and not Google when you have questions.

2. Don't delay getting help or getting tested out of fear. Personally, I was terrified to go to a fertility clinic for the first time. I was scared to get bad news and scared to talk about very personal things with a doctor. But here's the thing- it's better to know. Even if you get bad news, it's better to know sooner rather than later. Fertility treatments and testing also take a long time, and it's good to get started as soon as you are able to.

3. Be nice to yourself! It's so easy to blame yourself or your spouse. Would you blame yourself if you had any other type of medical problem? You are worthy of having kids. God is not punishing you. You just need medical assistance. Everyone has trials in life, this is one of yours. Let yourself cry when you need to. Don't put pressure on yourself to accomplish too much when you are struggling emotionally. For me it was too stressful to be a teacher while dealing with infertility testing and treatments. So I quit! I felt a little bit like a failure, but I ended up finding a job as an aide that I like much better. Now I still get to work in a school, but I have no work outside of school hours and it's a lot easier to handle.

4. Don't forget to keep enjoying life. It's easy to get so wrapped up in your problems that you forget that life can be fun. Go on dates, keep up with hobbies you love, and plan things to look forward to. Although it's hard with Covid, we tried to get out and about when we could this summer. Most of July, August, and September were consumed with IVF. It was essential for our mental health to just forget about that  sometimes and explore!

On every one of these days, I felt physically awful and was covered in bruises from shots. But getting out of the house was so good for the soul that it was worth it.

Advice if you want to support people going through infertility 

Now some advice to those of you that don't have to have babies through needles and drugs. Some of this is a therapeutic rant, but a lot of it is good advice. The sentences in italics are things that people have said to me. Most seem pretty innocuous, but keep in mind that this is a very emotional and sensitive issue to deal with. Not to mention once you start taking hormones to treat your problems, you really become a fragile little flower that could cry at the drop of a hat.

I do not blame anyone who has said these things to me. I understand that most people just don't understand. But maybe after reading this you'll kindly think twice in the future.  :)

1. Don't ask when/if people are having kids, assume when people are having kids, or joke about it happening soon. 

Have you thought about having kids?
When are you finally going to have kids?

It will be your turn next!
(Showing people our house) I bet this will be a baby's room soon! *Wink.*
Your mom is so excited to be a Grandma, when will you make that happen?

Please consider every possible reason a couple wouldn't have kids yet. Are any of those reasons any of your business? Besides fertility problems, a lot of times couples put off having kids due to other medical problems, financial problems, or even marital problems. It's an extremely personal subject. 

I have been asked when/if I'm having kids countless times. I understand that most people see it as an innocent question, but sometimes I have been asked this at a sensitive moment (i.e. just got terrible medical test results), and it was hard to hold back tears. 

To take it a step further, I would strongly suggest not even asking people if they have kids. That might sound crazy, but think about it... if someone does have kids, it's definitely going to come up in the conversation anyways. This is pretty much always one of the first things people ask when they meet me. At work, church, getting my hair done, at the gym. I've even had cashiers ask me this when I'm shopping. 

It gets very tiring to constantly have to tell people over and over again that I don't have kids. The worst part is how often the conversation comes to a screeching halt when I say that I don't. It's usually at church when that happens- as soon as I say I don't have kids, you can see the other person completely lose interest in talking to you. Which is too bad, because I'm pretty interesting to talk to.

2. Don't joke about how fertile you are. 

I swear I get pregnant when my husband just looks at me.
I could easily have 12 kids if I wanted to.
All of my kids were accidents, I just can't help it!

It's wonderful that most people in the world don't have to struggle if they want kids. But since you rarely know the full story of what everyone is going through around you (it's often something that people keep quiet about), I would suggest not pointing out how easy it was for you.

3. Don't assume that my life is better/easier because I don't have kids.

I'm jealous that you guys get so much alone time!

I wish we had waited to have kids like you.

I'm going to give you my kid, they're so annoying!

You're so lucky you're not quarantined with kids!

We would very happily trade our clean, quiet house and endless alone time to have a loud, messy, loving family. My life is easier in some ways because I don't have the responsibility of being a mom yet, but it is emptier too.

4. Don't give people unwanted fertility advice. 

(These were not all said to me because I didn't start telling anyone about my issues until very recently. I have seen all of these said to other people pretty frequently during my research about my own problems).

It will happen if you just stop stressing.

Why don't you just adopt? 

There are so many kids in foster care.

A lot of people go through that so it's not a big deal.

Have you tried (insert essential oil, magic vitamin, or other crap remedy here)?

I swear if anyone ever tried to suggest an essential oil as a cure for my infertility, I would probably stab them. It wouldn't be a big deal, they could just put some lavender on the wound or whatever and it would be fine.

I'm mostly kidding. Allow me to also rant about the other things. I think adoption can be amazing. It might even be something we consider in the future. But it is actually a lot more complicated and A LOT more expensive than fertility treatments. On top of that, the bio parents can back out at any time until it's finalized.

It is not expensive to adopt from foster care, but the foster care system is not designed for adoption. It is designed to remove children temporarily from their families until it is safe to return to their families. In rare cases children in foster care are up for adoption, but that is the exception and not the rule. 

The fact of the matter is that infertility is a medical problem that requires professional medical solutions. Not your suggestions, no matter how well-meaning they are.

5. Do reach out and be a friend if you know someone is going through infertility. I personally wouldn't bring up anything related to infertility unless they bring it up first. But distraction can be the best medicine. Love them and help remind them that the world can be a fun and happy place.