No.

 Currently chilling here half-asleep waiting for a phone call.

It hasn't been a good day.

The last time I tested was on Thursday. I tested again today hoping to see a darker line to reassure myself.

That backfired. The line wasn't darker. It looked pretty much exactly the same... if anything, a tiny bit lighter. Theoretically it should be significantly darker 4 days later if I have more HCG in my body.

It was dumb, but I did that test at 3am. I woke up and felt nervous and couldn't wait. Then when the result wasn't what I hoped for, I couldn't fall back asleep. I've already been super tired thanks to the extra hormones, and waking up at 3 did not help. Really not feeling myself.

My mom drove me to the clinic today to get a blood test, which is of course much more precise. My levels were 87 on Thursday, and should be at least 350 today if everything is going well.

I'm really struggling to hope right now. I cried the whole way to Illinois.

Last week they called with my result at 1:00. Now it's almost 2:30 and they haven't called yet. DYING.

I have felt a lot of symptoms the last few days. The tricky part is that all of them could be caused by the medications I'm taking. 

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Writing 2 days later. Unfortunately things went from nerve-wracking to devastating.

They called at 3:15. My HCG had gone down to 50, which means it's over. 

I only got to be pregnant for 2 weeks. I only got to know I was pregnant and feel that (cautious) joy for 4 days. 

David is also devastated. He's much more of an optimist than me. I hoped with all of my heart that it would work and we would meet our baby this April. David, on the other hand, was sure that we would meet our baby in April. It was more of a shock to him.

Looking back there were a few signs. I had a few symptoms that lessened/went away. I know that hormones can fluctuate though, so I wasn't too worried. The other sign I guess is that I went from feeling happy to anxious. I feel like I kind of knew right when I woke up at 3 that it would be bad news- I had an awful feeling of dread.

So where do we go from here?

We have 2 more embryos. We could do another transfer next month.

But we're going to go a different route. We're going to do another full round of IVF and try to get more embryos. We know we want to have more than 2 children (who knows if that will happen but that's what we would choose).

There's a significant chance that one or both of our existing embryos won't result in children.

It's also true that the younger I am, the better chances we have at getting healthy embryos. So we would feel much more confident about our future if we could get more embryos now. Every one we can get is another chance.

The biggest con besides the expense is putting my body through it again, especially while working full time.

I am definitely not looking forward to going through this again, but it will be worth it in the end if it works. We started IVF about a month ago, and I have basically felt crappy for that entire month. Stomachaches, being bloated, headaches, exhaustion, and so much more. I'm pretty nervous about being able to handle being at work all day. Secretly hoping that school goes online again for my own selfish purposes.

As far as handling this emotionally, I have two strategies. I'm tired of crying (my face is all dry and flaky from crying so much... I'm grateful no one can see that under my mask lol).

Strategy #1 is to stay distracted. I just can't think about it. 

I tried listening to music on my walk today and my thoughts started wandering. I had to switch to a podcast to drown out my thoughts. I spent most of yesterday obsessively planning a trip. I desperately need to focus on something fun. This summer has been pretty terrible.

At first I wanted to try to actually fly somewhere, but David isn't able to take off work next week. It's my last free week before school starts. I pulled up a map of the Midwest and scoured every state within weekend trip driving distance to find something interesting.

There's a lot of nature stuff but I hate nature. Also cities aren't very fun during Covid times, so it wasn't an easy task. Eventually I settled on Hannibal, MO and Galena, IL. They are both cute, historic towns on the Mississippi with things to do that appeal to both of us (also not easy to find). I'm excited!

Strategy #2 is to focus on the future. I'm excited at the possibility to do another cycle to to get more embryos. I'm not excited to do it, but I'm excited at the possibility and grateful that we have the chance. We both feel very good about going that direction.