Progress?

Today marks 2 weeks since I found out my baby died.

It's also the first day that I haven't sobbed or spent a significant amount of time lying in bed being sad.

In some ways I almost feel bad that I didn't. It feels almost like a betrayal of my son. 

Don't get me wrong, there were still times that I teared up... and I don't exactly feel like a ray of sunshine. But there are a few things that are helping me at the moment.

First, I am feeling physically a lot better. Not 100%, but being able to be up and about for most of the day is nice. When I first came home from the hospital I was too sore to do much and it was torture to not have many options to distract myself.

In a similar vein, I made a goal to leave the house every day this week. 

On Sunday, David and I went on a walk. It was cold and I didn't feel like it, but worth it for the distraction factor. We also stopped at my parent's house. Those were the only moments the whole day when I didn't feel completely depressed... I spent the rest of the day in bed.

On Monday I went on a short walk by myself and stopped at the library. On Tuesday I stocked up on spring scents at Bath and Body Works. I would say those days I felt depressed and stayed in bed about half of the day.

Today I went to Cedarburg with mom. I think it helped that it was something special- I hadn't been there since August and it's one of my favorite places. It was also nice to go there first thing in the morning after I got ready- I had no time to sit around and dwell on my thoughts. We went to an impressively authentic French bakery, browsed cute jewelry stores, and had crepes for lunch.

Another little excitement were the earrings I found. When we went there in August, I was pregnant with my first baby. My mom bought me a necklace to celebrate that fact. I had a miscarriage a week later and whenever I wear that necklace I think of my first baby. I wanted earrings to match to commemorate my son... and guess what! The only earrings they had in stock were the ones that matched my necklace.

The rest of the day after getting home, I've been okay and able to hold it together.

Another big thing that helps is hearing back from my fertility clinic yesterday. I've been worried/stressing about how long we have to wait before attempting another IVF transfer. Of course we want to wait until it's safe, but we're so desperate to have a baby that we really hope the wait is not long.

According to this doctor, as long as I'm physically healed, my HSG is back to normal, and I have a normal period... we could try again as soon as those conditions are met. 

They also want me to meet with a high-risk OB and see what they suggest. So that's another hurdle we'll have to cross- I'm not sure when they would clear me. 

I'm hoping they can also do some kind of testing to rule out more potential issues, so that could take time as well. But at least one doctor said I don't need to wait long. That gives me some hope.