Eulogy/Obituary

For those that weren't at the service, this is what I said. It was hard to get the words out but I'm glad I was able to do it. 

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Dear Christian,

From the second I found out you were on the way, the very thought of you made me smile.

Hearing your heartbeat, seeing you on ultrasounds, feeling you move, planning for your arrival, and sharing about your upcoming arrival with loved ones were the most joyous moments of my entire life.

It hasn’t been an easy journey. I was afraid of the shots and medical treatments that made your miraculous conception possible, and I felt sick every day that I was pregnant with you. But I want you to know that every second of pain or fear or sickness was completely worth it, and that I have no regrets because it meant that there was a chance of having you.

We prayed for you multiple times every day, and your dad even fasted every Sunday because we wanted you to be healthy and to grow big and strong enough to come home with us in June so desperately. I just wish it would have worked.

Since you would have been our first baby, I’m sure we would have made lots of mistakes. I know nothing about anything that boys like, and your dad has never even changed a diaper before… but I want you to know that we would have made every effort to be the best parents possible because we love you so much. We would have given you everything we had, and we would give anything now if it meant we could have you with us.

I have hope that we will be reunited someday, even though that moment seems impossibly far away right now. 

Goodbye, my baby. You were so wanted, and are so loved and missed.

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I'll also share the program that I made.

If you're wondering how I'm doing... I mean, not great. But I think that's expected. I'm dealing with healing physically and the crazy hormones in addition to the emotional stuff. The fact that it took 4 years and a lot of medical treatments to get pregnant makes this all much harder.

I feel very angry and sad at the moment. I wrote more in depth about my feelings and what this week was like here. Be warned that it's pretty depressing. I'm writing it all down now in the hopes that months or years from now I can look back and see how far I've come.