I thought I was okay.

Being able to focus on our transfer has really helped me cope over the last week.

Two Sundays ago, for the second week in a row I got all ready for church. This time I made it out of the house and even into the building... at which point I promptly left.

Since David plays the organ I went with parents, and they sat down in the back. Unfortunately, they sat next to one of the people I was dreading seeing. Someone who I knew was a major risk of trying to have a sentimental (and very much unwanted) conversation with me- she's already initiated more than one unwanted conversation online. 

I am definitely not at the point where I could remotely discuss anything related to my baby without crying... which I prefer not to do in public. Even an "I'm sorry" or a sympathetic look would ruin me.

I also felt like people were staring at me.

I'm so glad I left, because apparently after I did the person I'm most terrified of seeing sat near them too. I know someone who also did IVF and got pregnant about a month after me. Of course, like almost everyone that gets pregnant, she still is and would now be ahead of where I was. I don't want to ever look at her again.

I guess I super underestimated what I was feeling up to. Walking into a room full of at least 100 people is a lot when you've kept yourself in a pretty tight bubble for 3 months. I don't feel ready at all to be around that many people when I can't control who I see or what people say to me.

At home I've been feeling improved and more like myself. I've even finally been sleeping better and not having nightmares! ButI guess that doesn't translate into being ready to be social.

Since I had a pretty good week I thought I was okay with Mother's Day too. It's no one's favorite day when you're dealing with infertility and now child loss... but it's never bothered me terribly before because it was more about focusing on my mom.

I had a fine day staying distracted, enjoying the beautiful weather, and making cookies. 

Then we went over to my parent's house. As soon as I heard people saying "Happy Mother's Day" and saw that my sister's little niece came, I couldn't do it. I started crying and left. I guess running away is becoming my thing lol.

I've almost survived the entire wait between the transfer and the blood test to find out results. It's been a whole week since the transfer, and I will know the results 2 days from now!!!!

I'm glad that wait is almost over, because my stress is ramping up for that test.

Although, it's not exactly as if I would be stress-free if that's positive. I can't imagine being pregnant again and not wondering if the baby is dead every single day. One day at a time I guess.

All in all, I'm thankful that even though I'm still kind of a mess, I've had more moments of not feeling despair and hopelessness. I'm not sure that improvement would continue if this transfer doesn't work, but I'm not going to think about that quite yet.