I've been pretty distracted in a good way this week after the good news (HCG increasing) on Monday.
On Sunday I had convinced myself after home tests looking sort of lighter that it was a miscarriage. I was pretty shocked for the test on Monday to not only be positive but to be a higher level than I even dreamed of.
I think that Tuesday of this week was honestly the first day that I didn't cry since my water broke and Christian died.
It had been 65 days straight of crying.
Not that I was sobbing all day every day (although that did happen), but there were some tears about missing my baby every single day.
I still miss him just as much, but it's good to be distracted. And to have hope again.
Fun fact: I'm 5 weeks pregnant, and 5 weeks away from my original due date. That's actually a pretty depressing fact, even though I'm happy to be pregnant at all. It really sucks starting over when you already had to wait 4 years to get pregnant in the first place.
Please now enjoy some random thoughts swirling around in my head (spoiler alert: you probably won't enjoy these thoughts haha).
I think anyone that loses a baby has a hard time seeing pregnant women and babies. I swear when it's something you don't want to see, all of a sudden you see it everywhere. I have left stores to get away from pregnant women.
I feel like I can get over that eventually... but I can't get over for the life of me the fact that people that I was pregnant at the same time as get their babies and I don't. Especially when they didn't have to wait as long/do IVF.
It's the worst when I was ahead of them and now they will be moms before me. I can't stand the unfairness, and I can't even stand hearing their names without being upset.
Who knows if that will change... right now I feel that as keenly as I did 3 months ago. At the moment I can't imagine ever seeing them again. I never want to see their babies and think about how I should have one that's older than theirs.
I really think I may need to move/change wards and also never go to family reunions again. I guess that's fine, I would survive... I can't imagine ever talking to people or relating to them again anyways. It's annoying though.
My other thought that I've been pondering is "how much is too much."
I'm struggling with being afraid of being too active and killing this baby.
Doctors can and have made suggestions, but no one can guarantee what would be too much activity and would harm them. What is the line?
I know I'm not in the danger zone for problems with incompetent cervix yet, but no one can know exactly when the danger zone will begin so I feel like I have to be cautious now.
I'm not exercising or going on walks at all and trying not to do any chores unless I can do it sitting down (like folding laundry).
I'm not going out anywhere unless I can sit down right away when I go inside.
But is even that too much?
Today I made lunch and went to the library, and even those little things make me worry.
I guess when I get closer to the end of the first trimester and the "danger zone," I will be even more cautious.
Depending on how things go my doctor could put me on some form of bedrest at some point. At the moment I've just been told no exercise or lifting anything heavy. Whatever happens, I definitely plan on being more cautious than even my doctor suggests.
It's not a good feeling worrying you could kill your baby every time you move.
This is what happens when you're bored and have way too much time to think about things lol.
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