Surgery Day

Two days ago I had my cerclage surgery. I'm so so happy it's over with!!!

It wasn't easy to walk through those doors. I had to go to the same hospital where I found out that Christian died and gave birth to him. It's been a little over 5 months since those awful days, but every detail is extremely fresh in my memory.

For months I had daily flashbacks and nightmares about every tiny detail of that experience. It got much better since starting the IVF process again, which gave me some hope and something else to focus on. 

IVF working, being pregnant again, and getting our puppy have all my mental state as well. But I do still relive those moments. Maybe weekly instead of multiple times a day/ for hours while I'm trying to sleep... but it's still not easy.

That said, I was pretty nervous about having to go back. Even worse, my procedure was in the Labor and Delivery area. 

I understand that's where these doctors work, but it seems pretty cruel to make anyone getting a cerclage go to that area. If you're getting a cerclage, you either had a previous loss (so they're doing a preventative surgery) or are at risk of an imminent loss (and they're doing an emergency surgery). Either way, it's painful to have to go somewhere where almost everyone else gets to happily have their babies.

The nice lady taking us to L&D (it takes forever to get there from the entrance- the hospital is huge!) tried to make happy chitchat. She asked if this was my first baby. I had been able to hold it together until that point.

"Hopefully it's the first one we get to keep."

We got to the room and there was a baby bassinet sitting next to my bed. The same type of bassinet with the same blanket that he had. I asked the nurse to take it out and then I was able to pull it together and act like a normal person for a while.

It took about an hour to change, get an IV, sign consent forms, and talk to the anesthesiologist about what he was going to do. 

Then the MFM resident came in. One of the risks of this surgery is your water breaking. That's ironic because I'm getting this surgery to avoid my water breaking. Thankfully it wasn't something I was worried about because it only tends to be a problem if you're already dilating/have bulging membranes.

I was already aware of this and I know they need to explain the risks, but she was slowly describing how exactly water breaking kills a preterm baby. I did not really enjoy the recap of how my son died, so that set off the tears again. The nurse loudly whispered "She had PPROM with her last baby," and the doctor made an "oh crap" face and just stood there awkwardly and stopped talking for way too long. Fun times.

They check on the baby before and after the surgery. First they tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler and they couldn't. More fun times- because that's how I found out my son was dead. I was able to stay calm because I knew it was probably a little too early to find it easily with a doppler. I feel like they should know that and just do an ultrasound first to avoid more stress? When they finally did an ultrasound, all was well and it was cute to see the baby happily bouncing around.

Before long it was time to walk on back to the OR. I had spinal anesthesia, which was very similar to the epidural I had last time. The process was so similar (hunched over in the same position, doctor continually asking if the needle was centered... dude, you're the one that can see my back...). I started feeling stressed and having some flashbacks to last time. Shoutout to the female anesthesiologist who talked to me about nail polish and gave me some kind of medicine that helped me relax.

Once the spinal was in and my lower half was numb, the actual procedure was quick and easy. I'm glad the medicine helped me be a little bit out of it because it's not great to have to be awake for a surgery. I couldn't really feel anything and it was over in 15 minutes.

I know the doctor talked to me afterwards but unfortunately I can't remember much of what she said because I was loopy haha. I know it went well but I'm hoping to get more details tomorrow at my follow-up appointment.

After the surgery I just had to hang out and wait to get feeling back in my legs. 

One last complaint because this is my venting space... as we were waiting around, the nurse asked if we had a guess or knew what the gender was yet. I told her our guess and she asked what our last baby was. And what his name was.

I went from happily discussing this pregnancy to being upset again. Then she was like "oh, you don't need to be afraid to talk about it, we understand here." 

No, you don't understand just because you've been around other parents who have lost babies. And no, I'm not afraid to talk about it, but it makes me really sad. And I'm trying desperately to be positive about this baby but it's already extremely difficult to do so when I'm in the place where everything horrible happened a few months ago.

She didn't get the hint and kept repeating herself to try to force me to talk about it. This is why I don't like people.

After about 4 hours I could walk again! I was very excited to go home to my puppy and get out of the hospital (thanks Dad for watching crazy Poppy all day).

The next day I woke up in a good mood that it was over! I feel relieved that the cerclage is in place and I'm doing everything possible to keep this baby safe, and I'm relieved that the unpleasant experience is over.

2 days later I'm a little sore but it's not bad. Fingers and everything else crossed that this is enough.