His Due Date

 6/21/21

This was the day I looked forward to from September (our egg retrieval) to February (our loss).

The official first day of summer and the longest day of the year sounded like the perfect time of year to have a baby. Instead he was born during the coldest week of the year on a subzero, dark, depressing day.

I'm kind of glad the due date has passed now, because I was dreading it.

I miss him. He should be home with us right now. We should be learning how to be parents instead of sitting here hoping we get to be parents someday. 

For years I watched other people get pregnant and have kids seemingly easily while we were trying. I even know a few people who met their spouse, got married, and had multiple kids in the time frame that we've been trying to have one.

I was able to mostly come to terms with that, but I'm still struggling with the people who I was finally "in line" to be a mom before... until mine died and theirs didn't. I've heard it all- I know nothing about life is fair and it's not a race... whatever... but it's an especially hard pill to swallow and I may never get over seeing people who have kids older than mine when it should have been my turn.

I feel very thankful to be pregnant again, which gives me something else to focus on (and conversely, worry about). If all goes well, we'll have this baby home with us before the anniversary of Christian's birth/death... which I think will take a bit of the sting away.

I'm also thankful to have our puppy Poppy home, because she is incredibly distracting. She was especially sassy on 6/21, which was kind of exhausting but also helped me not to dwell on depressing things.