They told us at the hospital that my water had broken and there were only 1 in a million odds that he would be okay. I was only 21 weeks and 2 days.
Every doctor we talked to thought that my body was starting to go into labor and told us that he would most likely be born alive but die soon afterwards. They do not attempt resuscitation until after 22 weeks.
What horrified me the most (besides the loss of my beloved child, obviously) was the prospect of watching him die. Would we have to watch him gasp for air? Would he be in pain? The entire situation was awful, but that seemed like too much to handle.
I had never prayed so hard in my life, begging for his survival. But I had a strong feeling that he wasn't going to make it. So I changed my prayers. On the way home from the hospital, I started praying that if he was going to pass away, that it could be peaceful, we wouldn't have to witness it, that the situation would be over with as quickly as possible.
I kid you not, I walked through the door of my house and had a placental abruption. I didn't know that's what it was- not until I read through my medical records months later. I've never spoken about it besides the one doctor I discussed it with. I just knew that I was having a massive amount of bleeding and some pain, and figured that maybe labor was starting.
We had a tiny bit of hope when nothing more had happened by the next day, but when I went into the hospital again to get antibiotics (there's a risk of infection when your water breaks), I found out by ultrasound that he was gone.
They induced my labor and our tiny baby was stillborn. It was the absolute worst thing that's ever happened to us, but I have to be grateful that I didn't have to face my biggest fear of watching him struggle and die.
It was the placental abruption that took his life. I'm not an expert, but from what I've researched there is an increased risk of it happening after PPROM, but it's still relatively rare. I definitely believe it was a small miracle in the midst of a terrible tragedy.
I still believe in miracles. How could I not, with our two incredible daughters now safely here with us? Amazing scientific technologies and medical care helped us overcome infertility struggles and my body's issues with preterm labor, but I know God had a hand in it as well. If nothing else, I couldn't have mentally gotten through multiple rounds of IVF and very stressful pregnancies without the peace that I feel through my faith.
So anyways, these are my thoughts while everyone else is probably watching the Super Bowl lol.
I love all of my babies with all of my heart. Today marks 3 years since I last held my little son Christian. It's still very hard to be apart, but I believe we'll be reunited someday.
Christian David Rubino
Born February 11th, 2021
1 pound, 2 ounces
11.5 inches long
Wanted, missed, and loved
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