There have been some ups in the last few months. Unfortunately, there have probably been more downs.
I crossed the hurdle of FINALLY making an appointment with a fertility specialist. It was scary and emotional. Scheduling the appointment made it seem so real that we actually have a problem and we're not normal.
I did feel happiness and relief that I found a doctor that looked good online and that I was brave enough to make the appointment. I also cried after making the appointment because it felt like admitting something was wrong.
A few months later, I put on a brave face and went to the consultation alone. David couldn't get off work. It was fine because in some ways it would have been more stressful. I would have to explain things (he hasn't done a crazy amount of research like I have) and comfort him if he was stressed. Better to have just one stress-ball.
The doctor and her staff were very kind and reassuring. I only shed a couple of tears (I was so close to not being embarrassing in public, darn it). I couldn't quite hold it in when she asked if I wanted to make an appointment for therapy to discuss the stresses of infertility. I do NOT want to at all, but the offer made me sad for some reason.
We made a plan to do some testing and then follow up with the doctor when all testing was complete to see where to go from there.
I had my vitamin and hormone levels checked and had to start taking Vitamin D supplements for a slight deficiency. It looks like I might have a slight thyroid problem as well and might need medication for that. My levels were in the range of normal but I was told they weren't ideal for pregnancy.
The scarier tests for me were the dreaded HSG and AMH. I'm learning so many stupid acronyms. I say dreaded because if you google "HSG" you will find hundreds of horror stories. Some women say it is the most painful experience they've ever had. Thankfully, mine was fairly uncomfortable but not nightmarish. Basically, they do an ultrasound while dye is injected in your uterus. They check for blockages in your tubes and whether or not the shape of your uterus is normal. Everything looked fine so that was good news.
The AMH blood test checks your ovarian reserve. I was scared for that one because you could kiss your dreams of having biological children goodbye if you got a bad result on that test. It looks like I do have a diminished reserve for my age. I got that news on Christmas and have been anxious about it ever since. I'm trying to wait for confirmation from the doctor on that before freaking out but it's hard. According to the internet it shouldn't be impossible to have kids with my number but that could explain our difficulties.
David has not been left out of the fun. It looks like there are problems on his side as well. It's so frustrating because we desperately want to start treatment, and this is another obstacle.
I'm supposed to be at work right now but I was awake half the night crying and stressed about the situation. I took a sick day because I couldn't handle the stress of my job on top of this other stress. This week is tough because 1. Learning about David's issues, 2. 99% sure I feel my period coming, and 3. this marks our 2 year anniversary of trying and failing to have children.
I never thought we would be here.
I thought it might help to write out some things I'm thankful for despite the sucky parts of life right now, so here it goes:
1. I'm thankful that I live in a place with access to great medical care.
2. I'm thankful that we haven't gotten any news yet that rules out the possibility of having children (my greatest fear before going in to the doctor).
3. I'm thankful to live in a nice, warm house that we love.
4. I'm thankful my job has been going somewhat better lately.
5. I'm thankful to be happily married. It used to be a fear of mine that I wouldn't find someone to marry and wouldn't be able to have children because of that.
6. I'm thankful for things that distract me from this situation such as: a loving family, puppies, good books, and distracting political podcasts.
I crossed the hurdle of FINALLY making an appointment with a fertility specialist. It was scary and emotional. Scheduling the appointment made it seem so real that we actually have a problem and we're not normal.
I did feel happiness and relief that I found a doctor that looked good online and that I was brave enough to make the appointment. I also cried after making the appointment because it felt like admitting something was wrong.
A few months later, I put on a brave face and went to the consultation alone. David couldn't get off work. It was fine because in some ways it would have been more stressful. I would have to explain things (he hasn't done a crazy amount of research like I have) and comfort him if he was stressed. Better to have just one stress-ball.
The doctor and her staff were very kind and reassuring. I only shed a couple of tears (I was so close to not being embarrassing in public, darn it). I couldn't quite hold it in when she asked if I wanted to make an appointment for therapy to discuss the stresses of infertility. I do NOT want to at all, but the offer made me sad for some reason.
We made a plan to do some testing and then follow up with the doctor when all testing was complete to see where to go from there.
I had my vitamin and hormone levels checked and had to start taking Vitamin D supplements for a slight deficiency. It looks like I might have a slight thyroid problem as well and might need medication for that. My levels were in the range of normal but I was told they weren't ideal for pregnancy.
The scarier tests for me were the dreaded HSG and AMH. I'm learning so many stupid acronyms. I say dreaded because if you google "HSG" you will find hundreds of horror stories. Some women say it is the most painful experience they've ever had. Thankfully, mine was fairly uncomfortable but not nightmarish. Basically, they do an ultrasound while dye is injected in your uterus. They check for blockages in your tubes and whether or not the shape of your uterus is normal. Everything looked fine so that was good news.
The AMH blood test checks your ovarian reserve. I was scared for that one because you could kiss your dreams of having biological children goodbye if you got a bad result on that test. It looks like I do have a diminished reserve for my age. I got that news on Christmas and have been anxious about it ever since. I'm trying to wait for confirmation from the doctor on that before freaking out but it's hard. According to the internet it shouldn't be impossible to have kids with my number but that could explain our difficulties.
David has not been left out of the fun. It looks like there are problems on his side as well. It's so frustrating because we desperately want to start treatment, and this is another obstacle.
I'm supposed to be at work right now but I was awake half the night crying and stressed about the situation. I took a sick day because I couldn't handle the stress of my job on top of this other stress. This week is tough because 1. Learning about David's issues, 2. 99% sure I feel my period coming, and 3. this marks our 2 year anniversary of trying and failing to have children.
I never thought we would be here.
I thought it might help to write out some things I'm thankful for despite the sucky parts of life right now, so here it goes:
1. I'm thankful that I live in a place with access to great medical care.
2. I'm thankful that we haven't gotten any news yet that rules out the possibility of having children (my greatest fear before going in to the doctor).
3. I'm thankful to live in a nice, warm house that we love.
4. I'm thankful my job has been going somewhat better lately.
5. I'm thankful to be happily married. It used to be a fear of mine that I wouldn't find someone to marry and wouldn't be able to have children because of that.
6. I'm thankful for things that distract me from this situation such as: a loving family, puppies, good books, and distracting political podcasts.
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