I have honestly felt pretty happy lately. I like not working full-time and having more time for things I enjoy. I've been doing lots of reading, writing, picture projects (scrapbooking, organizing old pictures), and walks around the neighborhood listening to podcasts.
I also like spending more time with David. And always getting enough sleep! My alarm for work used to go off at 5:40am. Now every day when I wake up (usually around 7:00), I am fully charged and relaxed.
Yesterday, however, I was feeling some annoying waves of pessimism.
An online meeting was scheduled for all of the aides at school. Pessimist me wondered if they were going to stop paying us.
Instead, they want us to be more involved. And the meeting started with the principal holding me up and an example and praising me because I have already been helping a student.
Why is my inclination to always assume the worst???
The scarier thing that I've been feeling pessimistic about is an upcoming test at the clinic. Initially, I was thrilled that I'd be able to do the test at all since everything is mostly closed.
They're going to do some ovarian reserve blood tests and an antral follicle count ultrasound. I've had those specific blood tests before, and one of the results was worrying. I have low AMH for my age. Google it, it's a whole thing.
I've never had the follicle count before, so I have no idea what the results might be. Since I know I have low AMH, it's possible the results won't be good.
Here are the possible outcomes:
1. My AMH has not dropped significantly from last year, and my FSH still looks fine. The follicle count was high enough that it seems I will respond well to the medications they use for IVF. It is not crucial to begin treatment immediately, and we will need to wait until the pandemic calms down.
2. My AMH has dropped, and my follicle count is not high. It seems like I would respond to aggressive medication. We will be cleared to begin IVF right away because the sooner we get started, the more likely it is to work.
3. The blood test results don't look good, and there are not enough follicles to attempt IVF. The doctor will suggest that we not waste our money because no amount of medication would help. No medical intervention in the whole world would result in us ever having a biological child.
I had come to terms with outcomes 1 and 2, even though they both have their cons. Option 1 means that we have to put our dreams of starting a family on hold. That's painful because we have already waited over 3 years. The pro would be that when we are able to start, we would have more hope of the treatment being successful.
Option 2 would be concerning but sort of expected since I already know my AMH is off. I would be worried but hopeful. It would be a load off my mind to begin treatment right away.
Option 3 is something I never thought about until I did some more research. I swear, Google is the absolute worst when you have any sort of medical problem. However, this situation is possible.
I have been DREADING doing IVF. The needles, the surgeries, the doctors. The invasion of my privacy. The medication side effects, the physical pain, the emotional pain.
I never had the thought that we wouldn't even get to try. I know IVF might not work, but I always had it in my mind that we can try again if it doesn't work the first time. What if we don't even get to try?
I guess if we do have the option to go ahead with IVF, this might help me get through it. Through all of the pain, it's a blessing to have any hope.
Most people probably wouldn't dwell on the fact that a small percentage of women don't have enough follicles to attempt IVF. BUT I SUCK SO THAT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.
We will hopefully be able to do the test tomorrow. Until then, I'll be sitting here trying to talk down my very loud inner pessimist.
I also like spending more time with David. And always getting enough sleep! My alarm for work used to go off at 5:40am. Now every day when I wake up (usually around 7:00), I am fully charged and relaxed.
Yesterday, however, I was feeling some annoying waves of pessimism.
An online meeting was scheduled for all of the aides at school. Pessimist me wondered if they were going to stop paying us.
Instead, they want us to be more involved. And the meeting started with the principal holding me up and an example and praising me because I have already been helping a student.
Why is my inclination to always assume the worst???
The scarier thing that I've been feeling pessimistic about is an upcoming test at the clinic. Initially, I was thrilled that I'd be able to do the test at all since everything is mostly closed.
They're going to do some ovarian reserve blood tests and an antral follicle count ultrasound. I've had those specific blood tests before, and one of the results was worrying. I have low AMH for my age. Google it, it's a whole thing.
I've never had the follicle count before, so I have no idea what the results might be. Since I know I have low AMH, it's possible the results won't be good.
Here are the possible outcomes:
1. My AMH has not dropped significantly from last year, and my FSH still looks fine. The follicle count was high enough that it seems I will respond well to the medications they use for IVF. It is not crucial to begin treatment immediately, and we will need to wait until the pandemic calms down.
2. My AMH has dropped, and my follicle count is not high. It seems like I would respond to aggressive medication. We will be cleared to begin IVF right away because the sooner we get started, the more likely it is to work.
3. The blood test results don't look good, and there are not enough follicles to attempt IVF. The doctor will suggest that we not waste our money because no amount of medication would help. No medical intervention in the whole world would result in us ever having a biological child.
I had come to terms with outcomes 1 and 2, even though they both have their cons. Option 1 means that we have to put our dreams of starting a family on hold. That's painful because we have already waited over 3 years. The pro would be that when we are able to start, we would have more hope of the treatment being successful.
Option 2 would be concerning but sort of expected since I already know my AMH is off. I would be worried but hopeful. It would be a load off my mind to begin treatment right away.
Option 3 is something I never thought about until I did some more research. I swear, Google is the absolute worst when you have any sort of medical problem. However, this situation is possible.
I have been DREADING doing IVF. The needles, the surgeries, the doctors. The invasion of my privacy. The medication side effects, the physical pain, the emotional pain.
I never had the thought that we wouldn't even get to try. I know IVF might not work, but I always had it in my mind that we can try again if it doesn't work the first time. What if we don't even get to try?
I guess if we do have the option to go ahead with IVF, this might help me get through it. Through all of the pain, it's a blessing to have any hope.
Most people probably wouldn't dwell on the fact that a small percentage of women don't have enough follicles to attempt IVF. BUT I SUCK SO THAT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.
We will hopefully be able to do the test tomorrow. Until then, I'll be sitting here trying to talk down my very loud inner pessimist.
Comments
Post a Comment