Bébé Maybe

Transfer #5 has come and gone. I really thought it would work. I'm still in disbelief. I thought I'd be holding my third little girl this summer. I don't know if the embryo was male or female.. it was just a hunch. We had her name picked out. We've been joking for months things like "Next year little XXXX will be here with us too at the pumpkin patch!", etc. We planned our whole year around this and it's so hard to think about those plans changing. I know logically that this wasn't a guarantee. It was about a 50% chance. Of course, it was literally the first time I went into a transfer completely optimistic. We both felt like it would work. Clearly that was stupid. I don't want to think about doing this again at the moment, but we have one embryo left. We're so lucky to have what we have, but I really hope we're not done.

 They told us at the hospital that my water had broken and there were only 1 in a million odds that he would be okay. I was only 21 weeks and 2 days.  Every doctor we talked to thought that my body was starting to go into labor and told us that he would most likely be born alive but die soon afterwards. They do not attempt resuscitation until after 22 weeks. What horrified me the most (besides the loss of my beloved child, obviously) was the prospect of watching him die. Would we have to watch him gasp for air? Would he be in pain? The entire situation was awful, but that seemed like too much to handle. I had never prayed so hard in my life, begging for his survival. But I had a strong feeling that he wasn't going to make it. So I changed my prayers. On the way home from the hospital, I started praying that if he was going to pass away, that it could be peaceful, we wouldn't have to witness it, that the situation would be over with as quickly as possible. I kid you not, I...

As it was happening it was at times scary, stressful, discouraging, tiring, and extremely painful. But then as soon as it was over and I was holding baby Rosalie, one of my first thoughts was "That wasn't so bad, I could do that again!."  Those hormones are powerful haha. Also, I have cute babies and life doesn't get any better than cuddling your very own brand new adorable newborn. I was very happy to make it to my induction date. I spent my entire pregnancy worrying about preterm labor (because of my history). It is an amazing blessing to make it to full-term and to give my baby the best chance at being healthy. My planner side also really likes having a scheduled date to have everything perfectly ready by. We checked into the hospital at 5am on September 5th, 2023 after spending the day before, Labor Day (ironic lol), putting the final touches on the nursery and cleaning the house. I was 37 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and it was 9 months to the day of our January 5t...

I knew a cute little girl with this name at church in Israel.  A few years later, our first apartment as a married couple was on a street with the same name. I would see it and hear the name over and over again and liked more over time. This was back in early 2017, when we first started trying to have kids. I wasn't working (no work visa) and didn't know anyone in Cannes, so besides our weekend travels my thoughts during the week when I was alone all day were pretty much consumed with having a baby. I would get my hopes up every month, get excited and start daydreaming about being a mom. And this was the name I imagined for our little girl. David wasn't on board at the time because he thought it sounded "too French." It took a few years of convincing. Hidden benefit of infertility: plenty of time for David to come around. I always thought my first daughter would have this name, but she ended up being our Magnolia. If you don't remember, you can read the story ...

 Dear Rosalie, I think that's who you are. I hope that's who you are. We love you so much already! I'm so thankful for the beautiful two lines that I saw on the test yesterday. I can't believe that we have a chance to have you and bring you home in 9 months. How amazing.  Please keep growing and be healthy. Your mom, dad, sister, grandparents, and more are so excited to meet you and we hope we get the chance to.

Excited and terrified. Hopeful and pessimistic. Looking forward to it and dreading it. I feel so many conflicting emotions as trying IVF again gets closer. I'm not sure how the timing will work out, but it's possible that I could be going back to the clinic to get the process started for another transfer in 3 weeks or less. I'm in such a happy bubble with my precious Magnolia that I don't think I clearly remember all of the awful parts about IVF and pregnancy. The needles, the invasive procedures, the nausea... but above all, the extreme stress wondering if my baby will make it. ... The day is here! I've been back to the clinic for a hysteroscopy, baseline scan, and then a final lining check. My ultrasounds and blood work have looked good, and I started meds a few weeks ago. Today is the day of our fourth embryo transfer. I feel so ready for another sweet baby, but I don't think I could ever feel fully ready for the stress that comes with attempting to get pregn...

There is absolutely no competition- 2022 was the best year of our lives. We brought home our precious baby on January 1st, and every day since then has been full of love, happiness, and gratitude to have this amazing little person. Everything she does is cute. We delight in being her parents and we feel incredibly lucky. It was so, so hard to have a baby. It was a very stressful, years long battle. And then... we were blessed with the perfect child.  Magnolia is so smart, beautiful, funny, and happy.  At 12 months old, Magnolia is starting to talk more and more. Her most said words are Mama, no, and uh oh. There is also lots of adorable baby talk babbling. She's not walking on her own yet, but I can tell she's getting very close!  One of her favorite things to do is clapping. She likes to clap for herself and will join in if she sees anyone else clap. She just learned how to wave on our recent Paris trip (from people waving at her on the metro), and now likes to wave hell...

Wow, we're so close to one full year of this amazing baby! This month's highlights include- *Magnolia's first Halloween! She was Little Red Riding Hood (with Poppy playing the role of Grandma haha), and of course looked adorable. We drove around to friend's and family's houses to show off their cute costumes. *A big trip out west to Las Vegas, the Hoover Dam, St. George, Zion's National Park, and then family time in Orem to meet her great-grandparents. It was a great week and Magnolia was a great travel buddy. She loves people watching and is a very easy-going traveler. *SHE SAID MAMA!! It happened while we were in Utah and it absolutely melted me. She was a bit clingier than normal amid all of the new situations and people and didn't always appreciate when I left the room. One day we thought she said "Ma" when I stepped into the kitchen, and the next day she said a very clear (and sad) "Mama" as I was closing the bathroom door and leavin...

Big news this month- Magnolia said her first word just 2 weeks after turning 9 months!!! At 9 months, I was getting worried that she hadn't babbled at all yet. She made ALL kinds of sounds, but no vowel sounds. Just days after her 9 month appointment she started babbling, and soon after that the first word was said: Dada. I'm only slightly disappointed that it wasn't Mama. ;) I'm so proud of my girl for starting to talk! She loves to visit David in his office during the day, and she said Dada as she was happily crawling down the hall and realized that's where we were headed. Adorable. She has less need to say Mama since I rarely leave her side! Other milestones this month include clapping (she LOVES to do this and will do it on command if I say 'yay'), roaring when seeing animal pictures in books, taking steps while holding onto something, and HUGGING. Tiny Magnolia coming towards me for a hug is the best thing in life. My full-time job now is following this...

After mastering crawling over the last few months, Magnolia's new fascination is standing! She pulls herself up holding onto furniture, Mommy, and her crib bars and really enjoys being upright and able to see and get into things. Speaking of getting into things: nothing is safe anymore! Current favorite: the drawers in David's office. Whenever I sit on the floor, she comes right over to climb on me and it's pretty cute. She had her 9 month visit and has followed her growth curves perfectly to be 19 pounds and 29 inches long. Her schedule hasn't changed much over the last few months. She wakes up between 5-6am (it feels so luxurious when it's 6!). She stays awake for 2-3 hours at a time and still takes about 3 naps/day. At around 6-7 she starts getting tired, goes to bed, and has one more bottle at around 9-10pm before going to sleep for the night. Magnolia is so fun and happy- we love you little girl!

Breaking news: we have started pigtail season. Who would have thought Magnolia could get even cuter? She also looks so much more grown up! All of a sudden she looks like a toddler when her hair is pulled back. It's become a bit of a wrestling match to get her dressed (and do her hair). I can sometimes placate her by giving her something exciting to hold but it's not always enough to distract her from her need to move around.  She's started actually crawling away from me now. I definitely can't just leave her somewhere and expect her to be there when I come back. It's more likely that she crawls towards Mommy, but sometimes Magnolia wants to explore. Happy 8 months to our precious little daughter- you are more delightful, busy, and fun every day. Everywhere we go you are showered with praise by strangers. No one can resist your cute face!

This month's most important update- Magnolia has started to crawl forwards instead of just backwards!!  She does not really stay still for one second while she's awake these days. She is rolling, crawling, and grabbing for everything. She is very curious and loves to study everything that she holds... and usually put it in her mouth. She has two little teeth that are surprisingly sharp- I only know because she's pulled a Poppy and bitten me a few times haha. My favorite moment was when she crawled/dove towards my toes and opened her mouth as wide as possible. Our sweet girl has started to warm up to eating purees a bit more. I think pears are her favorite so far. More fun, more beautiful, and we're more in love every day. I can't believe our Magnolia is creeping closer and closer to 1!

We've had our princess for half of a year! She's grown and changed so much already, but this really feels like the biggest milestone of all. She's closer to her first birthday than to her original birthday! Magnolia had her 6 month appointment and did a little better than at the 4 month one. She was still a very sad little girl and had zero interest in the doctor even looking at her, but I managed to keep the crying at bay besides for the shots. She's grown 6 inches in the last 6 months and has doubled her birthweight. Magnolia is now 15 pounds and 27 inches long. She continues to be around the 90% for height and 25% for weight. The adorable sounds she makes include singing, roaring, screeching, fake coughing (that's my favorite), and more. I'm so excited for her to start talking, but I think we need to hear some babbling/putting sounds together first. She can sit! Mostly, at least. She can sit unassisted very briefly, but is making progress very quickly on that...

Little Magnolia has been rolling from tummy to back since she was 2.5 months old, and at 4.5 months she hit the big milestone of rolling from back to tummy! From the first day she learned this new skill, she now does it constantly every time she's put down. She's already getting better at adjusting herself, but at first she would get stuck all the time and need saving to help adjust her arms. It's been funny to watch her get grumpy when she's stuck, but then when we help her flip back over she immediately re-flips and gets grumpy again. After months of sending pictures and lots of video calls, this month Magnolia met her Mémé and Pépé for the first time. I think they'd agree that seeing her cute face in person was 100% worth making the trip across the ocean. The week before she turned 5 months old, Magnolia went on her first trip. She was a champion throughout the 2 hour drive to the airport, 2 hour flight, hot Texas weather, and long days of sightseeing. She didn...

This was such a big month for our precious little baby! She has grown to be 13 pounds and 25 inches long. That's 6 pounds and 4 inches in just 4 months. Magnolia continues to be tall and skinny- since birth she has been around the 90% for height and the 25% for weight. She wears 3-6  size clothes and there are already some that are starting to be too short. Over the last month, playtime has started to happen throughout the day (versus last month when there would usually only be one wake window when she was awake enough to play). It has become the norm to eat-play-sleep-repeat all day. No more sleepy "newborn potato phase" for Miss Magnolia!  This month Magnolia has started to love her play mat and batting at her hanging toys. In her first Easter basket she got a Linkimal penguin that lights up and sings to her and makes tummy time a lot more fun.  The biggest milestone she reached this month is being able to hold things! I was embarrassingly proud the first time she grabb...

At 3 months old, our precious little Magnolia is working hard on growing out of her 0-3 sized clothes. It seems like every day something else doesn't fit!  She continues to be more and more alert. We adore her smiles, and the fact that she's started babbling and will even have "conversations" back and forth with us. We're seeing a lot of signs that Magnolia is ready to leave the newborn stage behind- she is definitely starting to show more interest in playing. At around 9/10 weeks old, Magnolia finally started sleeping for longer stretches at night! She went straight from never sleeping more than 3 hours at a time to usually doing a 5 or 6 hour stretch every night. A 5 hour stretch doesn't sound like a lot, but it makes a huge difference and we all feel much more rested. I will probably say some cheesy variation of this every month, but Magnolia June is a perfect angel and we are so so lucky to have her.

It just keeps getting better! Watching her gradually become more alert is so fun. At 5 weeks old, she smiled at David for the first time. It was the first time he'd gone into the office since she was born. When he came home and went to say hi to her, she was happy to see him. :) At 6 weeks old, I got my first smile. It was after the 6am feeding. I put her down in the crib to go grab something. When I came back she smiled when she saw me. :) Both were heart melting moments. <3 She's still pretty sleepy but she's starting to smile more and more. It's usually around dinner time that she's the most awake. Sometimes she'll start getting wiggly and it seems like she wants to play/interact. I've started putting her on her play mat for tummy time when that happens and usually read her a book. I was expecting her to be eating more at this point, but she's still on the same schedule that she was at 1 month old. 3.5 ounces every 3 hours, like clockwork. I can te...

It's been one year since the worst days of our lives. I've already written about what happened, but it's therapeutic to keep writing about it and I wanted to include some more detail.  I saw someone else who'd lost a baby think of it this way- on their birthdays, don't think of it as another year without them. Think of it as one year closer to being with them again. That's what I'm holding onto. One year closer to being with my baby Christian David again someday. I don't know how I could get through this anniversary without having his 6 week old baby sister here in my arms. This year we have survived a lot of horrible things, gotten through the stress of another pregnancy, and have done a lot of healing. I pray that we can continue to heal from our great loss while at the same time find great joy in the miracle of our daughter. February 9th, 2021 PPROM I started feeling weird the night before. It was a pressure feeling. I thought it was either growing pa...

When my parents were over the other day, I was asking if I acted like Magnolia does as a newborn. But... shocker... that was a really long time ago and they don't really remember. So here's my attempt to document a little bit of what our first month with Magnolia has been like. We can't believe she's one month old! In general, I would say she is more chill than I expected. That might be because I tend to expect the worst, but for months I was researching what it's like to have a newborn and it seemed pretty common to expect a lot of crying and the baby not wanting to be put down. Well, in her first month, Magnolia has hardly cried and 95% of the time doesn't mind being put down anywhere, anytime. She squawks sometimes when we're changing her, and starts to make noises when she's hungry... but I think she's only actually cried maybe 3 times? And every time it stopped as soon as she was more comfortable. One of the biggest perks for me is that since Da...

After my first hospital visit at the beginning of December, my doctor thought it was best/safest to induce at 37 weeks.  I had some high blood pressure readings and with my history (taking so long/so much to get to that point), my doctor thought it was best to get baby here as soon as it was safe for her. I wholeheartedly agreed! I'm fairly surprised I made it to 37 weeks without going into labor naturally- especially after needing to get my cerclage out early due to bleeding/contractions at 32 and 34 weeks. But ultimately I'm happy I made it to 37, and that Magnolia had those extra few weeks to grow and develop. The date and time were set- December 29th. We spent the day relaxing, packing, and doing some last-minute preparations before checking into the hospital at 7pm. My first dose of induction medication (cytotec) was at 8:30pm. I started feeling contractions at 9:30, and by 11:00pm they started to get painful and were at least every 2 minutes. At some point they started pi...