Bébé Maybe

There are 12 days and counting until I enter a new decade. We started trying to have kids when I was 27. Now I will be 30 with absolutely 0 progress made in that department. For my entire life, I envisioned having my first child while I was in my 20s. Obviously I've known that wasn't going to happen for months now, but I was so hoping to at least be pregnant before I turned 30. That made getting my period a little bit harder this month. I will now officially never be pregnant while I am in my 20s. The timing also means that we will officially not have a child in 2019- which was our only wish for this year. At this point, should I even dare to hope that I could be pregnant in 2019? We are still waiting to finish our testing and are struggling with some of David's testing. It's very frustrating for both of us, and we wish we were getting more support from the doctor. We wish we could get this over with. We wish this wasn't hard when it's not hard for any...

I saw it was National Infertility Awareness Week. I for one wish I wasn't aware of infertility. Some people post a lot of details online about their struggles. I don't want anyone to know our personal business. I don't want their pity.  But part of me wishes I could post this: "We have been trying for over 2 years. It sucks. It hurts. Every month it's hard. I'm sad. Don't ask us when we're having kids." Mic drop. End of message. In other non-news, nothing has changed for us. It's hard to feel like it ever will.

"God always answers prayers, but sometimes the answer is no." Or not yet. Or not in that way. When I was 24, I thought about wanting to get married for the first time. I had just decided to attend graduate school in Israel the next year, where I knew I wouldn't date (I mean, the IDF uniforms are hot, but I did plan on marrying a Mormon...). So I prayed about wanting to find someone to marry. It was a pour-my-heart-out kind of prayer. I met David 3 days later. Boom, easy answer to my prayer. Well, it did take a while to date and fall in love and such- but still. He is a wonderful, interesting, and loving person and we complement each other in a lot of ways. It was a small miracle to find someone compatible with unique (cough weird cough) little me in a country with so few members of our church. When I was 19, I auditioned to be a dance major in college. I was so nervous that I was nauseous and could hardly eat the week before. I prayed so intensely about the upc...

There have been some ups in the last few months. Unfortunately, there have probably been more downs. I crossed the hurdle of FINALLY making an appointment with a fertility specialist. It was scary and emotional. Scheduling the appointment made it seem so real that we actually have a problem and we're not normal. I did feel happiness and relief that I found a doctor that looked good online and that I was brave enough to make the appointment. I also cried after making the appointment because it felt like admitting something was wrong. A few months later, I put on a brave face and went to the consultation alone. David couldn't get off work. It was fine because in some ways it would have been more stressful. I would have to explain things (he hasn't done a crazy amount of research like I have) and comfort him if he was stressed. Better to have just one stress-ball. The doctor and her staff were very kind and reassuring. I only shed a couple of tears (I was so close to ...

Things never go quite according to plan, do they? My plan for a while was to go to a doctor once I got back to the U.S., get a check-up, and make a game plan. I've been in the U.S. for 3 months now and am no closer to making anything happen. Positive: I have insurance now. It's the poor people kind for the unemployed. Basic medical care is free, but it doesn't cover everything. Negative: It doesn't happen to cover anything related to infertility (ew I hate even typing that word). That means we can't get the ball rolling until there are paychecks coming in. Positive: Paychecks will be coming in soon. David got a job! It's a good job with a good salary. Negative: We have some BIG expenses coming up. We need our own place to live, another car, furniture, etc. I can't get a job in the near future. I'm getting a pretty major knee surgery in a few weeks. I won't be able to walk at all for a few months. That will also delay going to any other k...

I sporadically wrote in a diary between the ages of 7-20. I stopped when I noticed that I only wrote in it when I was angry or sad. When I read it now, Marissa of the Past sounds so depressed. I wasn't. It's just that I never wrote about the happy moments. My diary was an outlet to vent or complain or wallow. So far that's what this blog has been like. I'm feeling much more positive right now, so I'll try to lighten the mood. We've been back home in America for just over two weeks. This sounds cheesy, but I feel like the sun has come out. I'm happier, my husband's happier, and we both feel optimistic about our future. Not only about this issue, but about everything. He's been job-hunting and I've been house-hunting. It feels so good to visit all of my favorite places and spend time with my family and puppy. It feels good to speak English. It feels good to have access to a library again. And don't forget the frozen custard- it feels r...

I let myself hope again. In the 10 months since I started tracking my cycle with an app on my phone, it has almost always been 26 or 27 days. Once it was 25, once it was 28. This month it was 29. That extra day killed me. I couldn't even sleep because I was so excited. I'm normally and naturally a pessimist. Have been my whole life. I like being a pessimist because I'm terrible at being an optimist. When I hope for something and it doesn't happen, I don't handle it well. My first thoughts this morning when the hope ended were... I suck. I'm stupid. I hate myself. I'm a failure of a wife. Of course something that great wouldn't happen to me. It would have been a miracle. It was our last chance for it to happen on our own before having to go to a doctor, admitting our problem, and getting tested to maybe find out the why. I'm so scared to talk with a doctor about something so private. I'm scared for any kind of medical testing. I...