I'm relieved that it's Friday and that another week is ending.
It wasn't an easy week, but I guess I can be thankful that it was better than last week.
I had one day where I felt happy (when I did a fun shopping outing). The rest of the days were a mix of feeling sad and feeling okay. I'm just trying to distract myself as much as possible. That's why I still feel like I can't talk to anyone outside of my immediate family- people bringing things up either in person or through messages would just derail my efforts to be distracted.
Now that it's almost March, I've been thinking about some upcoming dates that I'm really dreading. I've found that getting out my thoughts through writing helps to get bad thoughts out of my mind, so this is my attempt to stop dwelling on these dates.
April 15th, my first baby's due date
This was my original due date for my first baby. I got pregnant last August with our first round of IVF. After years of taking pregnancy tests, this was my first positive ever. I felt cautious but of course thrilled. My first blood test at the fertility clinic a day after testing at home was also positive.
Unfortunately, when my blood was retested 4 days later, my HCG levels had decreased. That meant that it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I started bleeding about a week later, and even though it was so early it was one of the most physically and emotionally painful things I've been through in my life.
The time that I got to be happy was very short, but it was heartbreaking for my first pregnancy to end so soon. This due date has stuck in my head ever since then.
May 9th, Mother's Day
Before my first miscarriage, I thought I would finally be a mom on this upcoming Mother's Day. Before the recent stillbirth of my son, I thought I would be very pregnant in my third trimester on this upcoming Mother's Day.
Nope- I'll just be plain old me. Still not a mother.
My church likes to do this stupid thing where they pretend every woman over 18 is a mother on Mother's Day. Guess what... I'm not. They make everyone stand up and hand out some trinket. This drives me insane. I don't plan on attending church in person for a while anyways, but even if I was there's no way I would go on this day.
May 21st, my birthday
One effect of infertility is that birthdays and holidays can be especially hard. Every year you can't help but imagining "This will be my last birthday without a baby!" or "By the next one, I'll have made progress!." And then when it doesn't happen, you feel like crap on what's supposed to be a fun day. I have dreaded birthdays ever since we started struggling with infertility for this reason.
We started trying to have kids when I was 27. I'll be 32 this May. I'm already not looking forward to it because I know I'll be sad that another year has passed and I'm still not a mom. I honestly have no interest in going through life without being a mom, so a birthday marking that more time has passed without this happening is depressing.
June 21st, Christian's due date
Out of every date, this is the hardest. This was a date that I've been repeating for months- over and over again, to everyone who asked when they found out I was pregnant. It's the first day of summer- I thought it was the perfect date.
Instead, my poor baby was born in winter, much much too early on a day with subzero temperatures.
Instead of cuddling my baby or awaiting his imminent arrival, I'll have to go to the cemetery to visit him on this day.
Honorable mentions that I'm dreading (because why not):
Christmas- This year was supposed to be my first Christmas with a child. He was supposed to be 6 months old. I can't even imagine how fun it would be to be a parent on Christmas. I was so excited to make it a joyful day for my son and to start new family traditions.
Last year, I was 14 weeks pregnant on Christmas. My whole family thought about how fun it would be to have a baby around next year. I imagined that he would have fun playing with the wrapping paper and not care about any presents yet.
Nope! It will be another adult's only holiday.
Family members having babies- I realize the whole world doesn't revolve around me, but this is a tough situation. I have cousins on BOTH sides of my family expecting babies within a week or two of when I was supposed to have mine (in addition to at least one other 2021 baby... and I'm sure there will be more). To rub salt in the wound, all of my cousins expecting babies are years younger than me and some of them already have other children.
How can I ever be around them? This is going to sound super dramatic... but even years from now, how could I stand to look at their kids and think about my dead son who should be the same age?
I also have friends/acquaintances who are expecting babies this year and that's hard too; but it really stings to feel like I can never be around my own extended family again without feeling pain.
💔
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