Bébé Maybe

Looking back, I can pretty clearly divide our infertility journey into 3 distinct stages. They've all been difficult in their own ways. I can't believe I was only 27 when this mess started. There have been a lot of painful memories throughout this process, but in some ways it's nice to look back and see how far we've come. The "hope and disappointment" stage (2017-2018) A few months after getting married we decided we were ready to have kids. We were 24 and 27. I read online that couples in their 20s had a 90% chance of conceiving within a year and a 25% chance within 3 months. At first, I freaked out a little bit that it would happen so soon and would have a mini panic attack every month wondering if I would get my period or not. As time went on and I got more used to the idea, slight relief at my period every month morphed into slight disappointment. 6 months later, I really started to worry. A year later, I was struggling. Slight disappointment every month ...

Our transfer was one month ago!  This entire time I feel like we've been in limbo. The limbo of not knowing whether it worked or not, followed by the limbo of not knowing if it will keep working. My HCG has continued to go up according to my many blood tests. 10/12: 51 10/15: 99 10/19: 530 10/22: 1785 10/26: 7800 I've felt a little better about that starting on 10/19 when it jumped. The first two levels were concerning (the extreme low end of what could be considered normal). My home tests have also continued to get darker. I've taken 3 tests/week starting on 10/10.                                        I was excited when last weekend on 10/24 I had my first "dye stealer."  This is a picture of a 10/10 test v. a 10/24 test. 'Dye stealer' is the lingo invented by other desperate women who obsessively take tests. It means that the pregnancy line is darker than the control line. W...

We've officially made it farther than we ever have! After a week of anxious waiting, I tested at home for the first time on Saturday 10/10, 7 days after our transfer. It was positive. I felt a lot of relief, but knowing what happened last time I can't say I felt happy quite yet. I had my first beta blood test on Monday. I was very fortunate to have the day off due to a Jewish holiday, because waiting for that phone call is torture. My HCG levels were 51 at that point. Considering that last time it was 87 at the same time and that one didn't work out, I didn't feel hopeful at all. There were definitely tears. By Thursday 10/15 my HCG increased to 99 . The levels are ideally supposed to double every 48-72 hours. Mine almost doubled in 73 hours. Again, I didn't feel super hopeful... but at least we weren't out of the game. I kept testing at home all weekend and was happy to see the line getting darker, but of course I was still stressed out. My third beta was tod...

Advice if you're going through infertility I have been going through a lot the past few years and now I am just brimming with wisdom. Well, I like to think that I am.  This is what I wish I would have known before starting on this journey. 1. Research a lot, but then stop when you start treatments. It's important to be informed and to understand what you might be getting into. Researching will help prepare you, help to manage your expectations, and help you to advocate for yourself. But when you start treatment, it will be stressful and you won't be feeling your best physically or emotionally. At that point, reading about worst case scenarios and other people's experiences (that are inevitably different from your own) will not be helpful. Keep in mind that most of the people who are sharing online are usually the people whose treatments are especially difficult. When things go smoothly, people do not feel the need to ask for advice or vent online. Once you start trea...

It's kind of ironic. The exit that we take to get to our clinic is at Six Flags. So I see giant roller coasters every time I go there. Infertility and infertility treatments are absolutely a roller coaster. Here are some of my up and down emotions from this eventful week. On Monday I felt thankful and relieved to have made it through the egg retrieval. The outcome was much better than expected. We were told to expect 3-5 eggs and we ended up with 9! On Tuesday I felt even happier after getting the much-awaited phone call with our fertilization results. Out of the 9 eggs, 7 were mature and 6 fertilized and became embryos. That was amazing news, and again, better than expected. I had very long work days on Wednesday and Thursday. I left home at 7:15am and wasn't done working until 8pm- all with no break. I wasn't quite back to normal after the retrieval on Monday still in a little pain and didn't have as much energy as usual after having anesthesia. To add to that, I star...

I made it through the stim shots. I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm tired and my stomach is covered in bruises, but I made it. I made it through 4am wake-up calls and making it to appointments before long days at work. I made it through the stress of going through this process while juggling working full-time, subbing for additional classes, teaching dance 2 days a week, and dog-sitting. After my appointment this morning I waited faithfully by my phone for the call that would tell me whether I needed to come in again or whether to prepare for the egg retrieval. Of course, the call didn't come until I was sitting on a 100 year old train surrounded by other people on the way to an apple orchard. The response was the latter- I got instructions to take the trigger shot tonight for a Monday retrieval. It will be on the 28th- happy anniversary to us. I'm trying to be happy that we at least made it to this point because that's not a guarantee. But I'm sad and disappointe...

It's been a week. Tuesday was day 1 of IVF cycle #2. We woke up at 4:30am to get to our clinic in Illinois before work. I had a 6:30 appointment, and I ended up having to wait a whole hour before my appointment even started. That's never happened before, I usually never have to wait at all. I was stressing out pretty hardcore because I told my work I would only be a few minutes late and get there by 8:10, and David had a 9am meeting he couldn't miss.  Thankfully David ended up being only few minutes late. But I didn't get to work until after 9:30 and it was chaos when I got there. I had to sub for another teacher (with no lesson plans) and I was exhausted by the end of the day. After school I had multiple errands to run, including my second blood test of the day and stopping at the Falls rec. department in preparation for yet another job that was starting the next day. I finally got home 12 hours after I left. I did my first shot that night. Wednesday was a normal work ...