Bébé Maybe

After having to make the drive to Illinois about 30 times... we're done! Last Monday I had an ultrasound at 10 weeks. It was delayed by a few weeks thanks to having Covid. David was able to come in for it, which was exciting.  Everything about it went well. The baby was measuring at the perfect size, the heartbeat was strong, and they were moving around quite a bit. We even saw them wave at us with their little arm stub. We got to hear the heartbeat for the first time instead of just seeing the flicker. At the last ultrasound I could hardly see anything because it was so tiny. It was fun to actually be able to see the shape of a baby. A good check-up means that I'm done with the fertility clinic until I want my next kid. Now I need to find an OB in this area. It seems very daunting to find someone that's good enough. I'm still having a hard time celebrating. I have excited moments but it's hard to fully accept it and believe it's actually happening. David wants ...

I made it 8 months without getting Covid... not so lucky in month 9 of the pandemic. We have it! I got it at work. Which in hindsight seems inevitable considering I'm in very close proximity to other people all day (our classroom is crowded). There is still lots of good news. Neither of us was super sick. We both had one day of feeling kind of gross with a very low fever of 99 and a headache. That was followed by about a week of a mild stuffy nose. Honestly we are lucky because pretty much every cold I've ever had has been worse. It was amazing to get 2 weeks off of work. I've been so tired juggling school, doctor's appointments, and teaching dance on top of not feeling well due to medication side effects/pregnancy. The timing was also great because the time off coincided with feeling nauseous a lot of the time. I don't know how I would have handled being at work all day while trying not to throw up. Our quarantine officially ends tomorrow and it's a little bitt...

As of a few days ago on Monday, I'm considered 2 months pregnant.  Wait... let's rewind. Just over a week ago (on 11/2), when I was considered 7 weeks, I kind of saw the baby for the first time. I say kind of because it was an incredibly grainy, blurry image. I basically saw a tiny blob. The cool part was that I caught a glimpse of the flicker that's the heartbeat. That was exciting. The part that made me a little nervous (there always has to be something lol) was that it looked a little smaller than it should have. I mean, at that point the baby is only about the size of the cheerio. Apparently it's pretty hard to measure something that's that tiny, plus it wasn't positioned close to the wand so it was hard to see. That said, I have hope that the size is fine but it was just too difficult to get a clear measurement. That doesn't mean I wasn't eagerly awaiting the next ultrasound. The doctor said that if by the next one it had grown and still had a hear...

Looking back, I can pretty clearly divide our infertility journey into 3 distinct stages. They've all been difficult in their own ways. I can't believe I was only 27 when this mess started. There have been a lot of painful memories throughout this process, but in some ways it's nice to look back and see how far we've come. The "hope and disappointment" stage (2017-2018) A few months after getting married we decided we were ready to have kids. We were 24 and 27. I read online that couples in their 20s had a 90% chance of conceiving within a year and a 25% chance within 3 months. At first, I freaked out a little bit that it would happen so soon and would have a mini panic attack every month wondering if I would get my period or not. As time went on and I got more used to the idea, slight relief at my period every month morphed into slight disappointment. 6 months later, I really started to worry. A year later, I was struggling. Slight disappointment every month ...

Our transfer was one month ago!  This entire time I feel like we've been in limbo. The limbo of not knowing whether it worked or not, followed by the limbo of not knowing if it will keep working. My HCG has continued to go up according to my many blood tests. 10/12: 51 10/15: 99 10/19: 530 10/22: 1785 10/26: 7800 I've felt a little better about that starting on 10/19 when it jumped. The first two levels were concerning (the extreme low end of what could be considered normal). My home tests have also continued to get darker. I've taken 3 tests/week starting on 10/10.                                        I was excited when last weekend on 10/24 I had my first "dye stealer."  This is a picture of a 10/10 test v. a 10/24 test. 'Dye stealer' is the lingo invented by other desperate women who obsessively take tests. It means that the pregnancy line is darker than the control line. W...

We've officially made it farther than we ever have! After a week of anxious waiting, I tested at home for the first time on Saturday 10/10, 7 days after our transfer. It was positive. I felt a lot of relief, but knowing what happened last time I can't say I felt happy quite yet. I had my first beta blood test on Monday. I was very fortunate to have the day off due to a Jewish holiday, because waiting for that phone call is torture. My HCG levels were 51 at that point. Considering that last time it was 87 at the same time and that one didn't work out, I didn't feel hopeful at all. There were definitely tears. By Thursday 10/15 my HCG increased to 99 . The levels are ideally supposed to double every 48-72 hours. Mine almost doubled in 73 hours. Again, I didn't feel super hopeful... but at least we weren't out of the game. I kept testing at home all weekend and was happy to see the line getting darker, but of course I was still stressed out. My third beta was tod...

Advice if you're going through infertility I have been going through a lot the past few years and now I am just brimming with wisdom. Well, I like to think that I am.  This is what I wish I would have known before starting on this journey. 1. Research a lot, but then stop when you start treatments. It's important to be informed and to understand what you might be getting into. Researching will help prepare you, help to manage your expectations, and help you to advocate for yourself. But when you start treatment, it will be stressful and you won't be feeling your best physically or emotionally. At that point, reading about worst case scenarios and other people's experiences (that are inevitably different from your own) will not be helpful. Keep in mind that most of the people who are sharing online are usually the people whose treatments are especially difficult. When things go smoothly, people do not feel the need to ask for advice or vent online. Once you start trea...