Bébé Maybe

We had more good news today! I had my third pregnancy blood test and the HCG numbers are looking great. 9 days after transfer ---> 101 14 days after transfer ---> 1038 21 days after transfer ---> over 10,000! I don't even know the exact number because the machine only measures up to 10,000. But this progression is as good as we could hope for.  For reference, last time looked like... 9 days after transfer ---> 51 12 days after transfer ---> 99 19 days after transfer ---> 1785 Those numbers were on the extreme low end of normal and TERRIFIED me. I'm so relieved that the numbers look much better this time, because after all I've gone through this year my capacity to handle stress is not very high. Basically, higher and more rapidly rising numbers make a healthy pregnancy/baby more likely. It doesn't mean that lower numbers can't also indicate a healthy pregnancy (there was nothing wrong with the baby last time), but when your numbers look good a misc...

I've been pretty distracted in a good way this week after the good news (HCG increasing) on Monday. On Sunday I had convinced myself after home tests looking sort of lighter that it was a miscarriage. I was pretty shocked for the test on Monday to not only be positive but to be a higher level than I even dreamed of. I think that Tuesday of this week was honestly the first day that I didn't cry since my water broke and Christian died. It had been 65 days straight of crying. Not that I was sobbing all day every day (although that did happen), but there were some tears about missing my baby every single day. I still miss him just as much, but it's good to be distracted. And to have hope again. Fun fact: I'm 5 weeks pregnant, and 5 weeks away from my original due date. That's actually a pretty depressing fact, even though I'm happy to be pregnant at all. It really sucks starting over when you already had to wait 4 years to get pregnant in the first place. Please now...

I decided to do a thing I hadn't done before-  called "testing out the trigger." As part of my IVF medication protocol, I did a one-time shot of HCG (also called a trigger shot) a week before our embryo transfer. HCG is the pregnancy hormone. I'm sure there's a more technical explanation of what that means but I don't care enough to figure that out. When you take a pregnancy test (blood or urine), your level of HCG is what is being measured.  If things are going well, it should keep gradually increasing until the second trimester. I guess injecting HCG before an embryo transfer helps your chances of success- maybe it's commanding your body to get ready to be pregnant? Not quite sure lol. So even though you are not pregnant, you would have a positive pregnancy test if you take one after an HCG shot. If you want to be sure to not get a false positive (meaning from the shot and not from a successful embryo transfer), you need to start testing before the trans...

Being able to focus on our transfer has really helped me cope over the last week. Two Sundays ago, for the second week in a row I got all ready for church. This time I made it out of the house and even into the building... at which point I promptly left. Since David plays the organ I went with parents, and they sat down in the back. Unfortunately, they sat next to one of the people I was dreading seeing. Someone who I knew was a major risk of trying to have a sentimental (and very much unwanted) conversation with me- she's already initiated more than one unwanted conversation online.  I am definitely not at the point where I could remotely discuss anything related to my baby without crying... which I prefer not to do in public. Even an "I'm sorry" or a sympathetic look would ruin me. I also felt like people were staring at me. I'm so glad I left, because apparently after I did the person I'm most terrified of seeing sat near them too. I know someone who also d...

Ah, Mother's Day. It's coming up this weekend. The Sunday of breakfast in bed, homemade cards, posting a picture of your kids on social media to say #blessed, and awkward church meetings. I know it feels like a complicated day for a lot of people for different reasons, but I have to say it's hard to have positive feelings about the day when the only pictures of your child you have are ones like this. First of all- am I a mother? I'm in a weird limbo. I do have a child that I love and grew and gave birth to and held... but I don't get to act as his parent on Earth. I may have a child, but I don't have a child here , and I don't have anyone that calls me mom {yet}. Someone else described it as being "not a mom, but not not a mom." I guess privately I feel like I am a mother... but at the same time I would be annoyed and sad if anyone said I either was or wasn't (which I realize is perhaps irrationally sensitive). It's like- if I don't ge...

We're one day past our third embryo transfer. Our first was on 7/28, and the second was exactly 7 months ago on 10/3. I'm thankful that: -We didn't have to go through the whole process (already had embryos). -We were cleared to try again fairly soon. -There were no delays (ultrasounds and hormone levels all looked good). -The embryo thawed perfectly (sometimes embryos do not survive the thaw or survive but look "borderline"). It was definitely our best transfer experience. I was really nervous the first one because the whole process was brand new to us. I was sick worrying and felt an awful sense of dread the day before that it wouldn't work (it didn't) or would be physically painful (it wasn't). I felt fine before the second one but was really upset afterwards. We found out that the quality of the embryo wasn't very good and I sobbed about that as soon as we were alone (feeling increasingly desperate after a miscarriage and taking hormone medicati...

I feel hope! That's exciting, and a nice change of pace. Our transfer is just 2 days away, and I'm thankful to have a chance. I'm scared and I'm still really sad, but I'm trying to think about how wonderful it would be if this works out. If it's a girl I think I know what we want to name her. Boy names are so much harder, but I would be equally thrilled whatever this little embryo is- as long as they stick around. We also finally heard back about getting a puppy this summer, and it's officially happening. :) An adorable, presumably crazy Westie will be joining our family, and the best part is that they'll be Buttercup's (my parent's dog) half-sibling.