Bébé Maybe

 6/21/21 This was the day I looked forward to from September (our egg retrieval) to February (our loss). The official first day of summer and the longest day of the year sounded like the perfect time of year to have a baby. Instead he was born during the coldest week of the year on a subzero, dark, depressing day. I'm kind of glad the due date has passed now, because I was dreading it. I miss him. He should be home with us right now. We should be learning how to be parents instead of sitting here hoping we get to be parents someday.  For years I watched other people get pregnant and have kids seemingly easily while we were trying. I even know a few people who met their spouse, got married, and had multiple kids in the time frame that we've been trying to have one. I was able to mostly come to terms with that, but I'm still struggling with the people who I was finally "in line" to be a mom before... until mine died and theirs didn't. I've heard it all- I kn...

Today was a good day! I had my first ultrasound. Thankfully David was able to take off work and come with me, because I was nervous. I'm 7 weeks today, and I remembered from last time what to expect at this gestation: basically, it's a blob. But, it's a blob with a flicker of a heartbeat inside it, which is so cool to see! The doctor measured the baby and their heart rate and everything looked perfect.  The appointment was short and straightforward and felt almost anticlimactic after weeks of wondering and worrying how it would go.  Since everything was right on track we "graduated" from the fertility clinic, which means I can go to my normal OB in town instead of driving to Illinois every week! Seeing the heartbeat is a huge step- the odds of miscarriage go way down if you reach that point, so I feel very relieved. I feel like I'm over the first few hurdles, which is comforting even though there are many more to go. Hurdle 1: The embryo implanting and HCG con...

We had more good news today! I had my third pregnancy blood test and the HCG numbers are looking great. 9 days after transfer ---> 101 14 days after transfer ---> 1038 21 days after transfer ---> over 10,000! I don't even know the exact number because the machine only measures up to 10,000. But this progression is as good as we could hope for.  For reference, last time looked like... 9 days after transfer ---> 51 12 days after transfer ---> 99 19 days after transfer ---> 1785 Those numbers were on the extreme low end of normal and TERRIFIED me. I'm so relieved that the numbers look much better this time, because after all I've gone through this year my capacity to handle stress is not very high. Basically, higher and more rapidly rising numbers make a healthy pregnancy/baby more likely. It doesn't mean that lower numbers can't also indicate a healthy pregnancy (there was nothing wrong with the baby last time), but when your numbers look good a misc...

I've been pretty distracted in a good way this week after the good news (HCG increasing) on Monday. On Sunday I had convinced myself after home tests looking sort of lighter that it was a miscarriage. I was pretty shocked for the test on Monday to not only be positive but to be a higher level than I even dreamed of. I think that Tuesday of this week was honestly the first day that I didn't cry since my water broke and Christian died. It had been 65 days straight of crying. Not that I was sobbing all day every day (although that did happen), but there were some tears about missing my baby every single day. I still miss him just as much, but it's good to be distracted. And to have hope again. Fun fact: I'm 5 weeks pregnant, and 5 weeks away from my original due date. That's actually a pretty depressing fact, even though I'm happy to be pregnant at all. It really sucks starting over when you already had to wait 4 years to get pregnant in the first place. Please now...

I decided to do a thing I hadn't done before-  called "testing out the trigger." As part of my IVF medication protocol, I did a one-time shot of HCG (also called a trigger shot) a week before our embryo transfer. HCG is the pregnancy hormone. I'm sure there's a more technical explanation of what that means but I don't care enough to figure that out. When you take a pregnancy test (blood or urine), your level of HCG is what is being measured.  If things are going well, it should keep gradually increasing until the second trimester. I guess injecting HCG before an embryo transfer helps your chances of success- maybe it's commanding your body to get ready to be pregnant? Not quite sure lol. So even though you are not pregnant, you would have a positive pregnancy test if you take one after an HCG shot. If you want to be sure to not get a false positive (meaning from the shot and not from a successful embryo transfer), you need to start testing before the trans...

Being able to focus on our transfer has really helped me cope over the last week. Two Sundays ago, for the second week in a row I got all ready for church. This time I made it out of the house and even into the building... at which point I promptly left. Since David plays the organ I went with parents, and they sat down in the back. Unfortunately, they sat next to one of the people I was dreading seeing. Someone who I knew was a major risk of trying to have a sentimental (and very much unwanted) conversation with me- she's already initiated more than one unwanted conversation online.  I am definitely not at the point where I could remotely discuss anything related to my baby without crying... which I prefer not to do in public. Even an "I'm sorry" or a sympathetic look would ruin me. I also felt like people were staring at me. I'm so glad I left, because apparently after I did the person I'm most terrified of seeing sat near them too. I know someone who also d...

Ah, Mother's Day. It's coming up this weekend. The Sunday of breakfast in bed, homemade cards, posting a picture of your kids on social media to say #blessed, and awkward church meetings. I know it feels like a complicated day for a lot of people for different reasons, but I have to say it's hard to have positive feelings about the day when the only pictures of your child you have are ones like this. First of all- am I a mother? I'm in a weird limbo. I do have a child that I love and grew and gave birth to and held... but I don't get to act as his parent on Earth. I may have a child, but I don't have a child here , and I don't have anyone that calls me mom {yet}. Someone else described it as being "not a mom, but not not a mom." I guess privately I feel like I am a mother... but at the same time I would be annoyed and sad if anyone said I either was or wasn't (which I realize is perhaps irrationally sensitive). It's like- if I don't ge...