Bébé Maybe

It has been such a long road to get here. When this baby is born, it will be right around the 5 year mark of trying to have children. We were 24 and 27 when we started trying and will be 29 and 32 when we {hopefully} finally get to bring a child home.  So much waiting and heartbreak, so many tears and needles. 276 needles, to be exact (that's the amount of shots it took in the last year to get to this point).  'Rainbow baby' is a term for a baby born after a loss, which inspired this little art project made with some of said needles. I filled up all of these sharps containers in 1 year! This baby's story actually started in July of 2020. We ended up with 3 precious embryos from our first round of IVF, and this baby was one of them!  Our extra embryos are all frozen until we're able to transfer them and hope and pray that they stick around. It's kind of cool to think about how this baby was already created and waiting since last year. <3 We knew immediately af...

Last February, my water broke at 21 weeks and 1 day. I found out our son was dead at 21 weeks and 2 days. I gave birth to him at 21 weeks and 3 days. Today, I am 21 weeks and 4 days pregnant with our daughter. It should go without saying that it's been kind of an emotional and stressful week. On Thursday, at 21 weeks and 1 day, I felt so much anxiety every time I went to the bathroom (that's where my water broke).  I still check for blood every single time I go to the bathroom. I still worry with every tiny twinge or feeling in my stomach, trying to work out if it's similar to the pressure feeling I had before my water broke. It's a lot emotionally. I'm barely past that point, but I'm relieved and happy to be past it. It comforts me to know that within days (at 22 weeks), my daughter would at least have a chance at survival and if there were to be any kind of complications they could hospitalize me to give more care. Before 22 weeks, they're not willing to h...

Friday was a big day, and we're very thankful for how it went! First of all, at 19 weeks I am at least halfway to the finish line.  For various medical reasons my doctors don't want me to go past 38 weeks... so the latest this baby will be here is January 5th!!! Of course, with a history of preterm labor there's a chance it could be earlier... which I am fine with as long as it's at a safe time for the baby of course. We had the big anatomy scan last week and David was able to get off work early and come with me. It amazes me how detailed this scan is. Even though the baby is about the size of a banana, they can zoom in and see so much. They went through the whole body and looked at and measured the brain, heart, arms, legs, fingers, toes, stomach, liver, kidneys, and more. I felt more and more relief as they went through each body part and everything looked normal.  At our "for fun" non-medical ultrasound a month ago, we found out she's a girl. And this u...

I'm feeling kind of grumpy and annoyed that this has to be my life.  I know in so many ways I'm lucky, but at the moment certain things are just weighing very heavily. This summer 3 of my cousins had babies within {less than} 2 months of my dead son's due date. Why do they get to be happy? Why not me, when I have gone through so much more? While rationally I know it's not connected to me or my life,  emotionally it feels like I'm getting kicked over and over again while I'm down. Even though I assume I'll have a living baby someday (I am thankfully pregnant again, after all)... why am I the one who has to wait? It's hard to watch other people be happy and to see people who love me celebrate something that brings back my depression. Sitting here in my little black hole all alone, I can't comprehend how other people get to move on with life and have joy while my son is dead. It makes me feel like my baby is forgotten. It should be my parents that get t...

Ahhhh... I'm pretty sure we know the gender!!!! Now that the baby is big enough, I don't get an ultrasound at every appointment. They just do a heartbeat check with the doppler. I realized that would mean a 6 week gap with no ultrasounds, and I didn't like the sound of that. So I found an elective, non-medical ultrasound place. We paid for a package for 2 ultrasounds- 1 after 14 weeks where they try to find out the gender, and 1 after 25 weeks, where they can get cute 3-D pictures. Yesterday I was 15 weeks and 3 days. It looks like the baby is close to being 6 inches long already. At first it looked we wouldn't be able to find out, because I guess our baby is modest and had their legs crossed and the cord inconveniently placed. The ultrasound tech had me drink some cold water, get up and move around, and cough. It took 3 rounds of doing that for the baby to get in the correct position. It looked like she got a clear view and she was pretty confident. I'm 99% sure th...

Two days ago I had my cerclage surgery. I'm so so happy it's over with!!! It wasn't easy to walk through those doors. I had to go to the same hospital where I found out that Christian died and gave birth to him. It's been a little over 5 months since those awful days, but every detail is extremely fresh in my memory. For months I had daily flashbacks and nightmares about every tiny detail of that experience. It got much better since starting the IVF process again, which gave me some hope and something else to focus on.  IVF working, being pregnant again, and getting our puppy have all my mental state as well. But I do still relive those moments. Maybe weekly instead of multiple times a day/ for hours while I'm trying to sleep... but it's still not easy. That said, I was pretty nervous about having to go back. Even worse, my procedure was in the Labor and Delivery area.  I understand that's where these doctors work, but it seems pretty cruel to make anyone ge...

I'm lucky to have had ultrasounds at least every 2 weeks, but those 2 weeks definitely feel forever long! The day of the ultrasound I feel immense relief, and then pretty carefree for a few days. Then the doubt starts to creep in and and I start to feel gradually more and more stressed until my next appointment. I'm guessing that's pretty common for anyone who's had an "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat" ultrasound. Thankfully, today is a day of immense relief. I had my 12 week ultrasound today and it went really well. It's fun now to actually be able to see things more clearly and to see the baby wiggle around. It was also nice that it was a more detailed ultrasound and not just a heartbeat check. This one was a "first trimester screening" where they can take a preliminary look at the body/organs and measure the nuchal translucency (meaning the amount of fluid in the back of the neck- extra fluid can indicate a genetic disorder). They shou...